[BrightFuture]

H is supposed to arrive to the city from the state where he works tonight. And tomorrow he is supposed to come over to sign the tax return.

I texted him yesterday asking if there is any chance I and the dog could stay at the condo next weekend. There is a big golf tournament, and lots of friends I know from the vacation home place are going to be there. Downside of it that is that a lot of these people are also friends with H. I decided to ask H, even though I knew that he might say no. Which he did. He replied back saying that it is a golf tournament weekend and one of the “guys” might be staying at the condo. Then he said that if I wait for one more week, I can have the condo to myself. (This means that he is probably going back to that state where he works.)

Even though I anticipated this kind of response, it did sting a little. It felt like a rejection… It also brought up the memories and feelings… In the past, H would make some arrangements without asking or consulting with me. When I mentioned that I wanted to be part of whatever event, he would tell me that all the arrangements were made and even would get angry with me because I was upset.

So, my first inclination was to say something sarcastic in reply to his text, like ask him if the “guy” paid the bills or helped him with the mortgage, etc. Then I thought about it… So, I replied that I know it is going to be the golf tournament weekend and that I will try to make other arrangements.

I’m still processing my first reaction to the text. I thought I was making good progress and I’m not the person I was before. This conversation brought back the old stuff. Now, I’m upset. Is this so ingrained in me that it will never change? I cannot explain everything that is going on inside of me. I wish I would be a better writer.

Today, I have a better handle of my emotions. I understand that he might have made an agreement with a “guy”, or he just doesn’t want to leave the condo (like he did before when I came), plus, I’m not his W anymore and he doesn’t have to accommodate me. So, I’m making other plans for next weekend. I will find a place to stay, or will not go at all.