Boundaries are about you and no one else. For example, one of my personal boundaries is that I refuse to gossip or engage in gossip. So if you try to involve me in gossip I will excuse myself from the conversation. You are free to gossip—just not with me.
Too many times we discuss “boundaries” in the context of what we will permit others to do in our life. Which is not a “boundary” this is control.
I think Starkey gave an excellent example when he said, “Try to think of it as leaving the CONVERSATION, not leaving HER. With the promise (which you then need to follow thru on) that the conversation will continue when she is ready to speak respectfully to you.”
Walking away from a spouse and rejecting all interaction because you don’t like the way a spouse communicates is not a boundary. It is control and (in my opinion) it borders on abuse because it doesn’t give your spouse a choice.
“I refuse to talk to you when you are screaming” is not the same as “I think this discussion is important. But I think we need to take a break. Can we discuss this tomorrow night after dinner?”
If your spouse refuses to take a break then you need to discuss changing the volume.
But you are not permitted to end a discussion without your spouse agreeing. Again, walking away (except where your physical safety is threatened) is not a boundary—it is control.
“I realize you are very upset. But I must be honest, right now I am more focused on how you are saying things to me than what you are saying. Understanding your point of view and understanding your feelings are very important to me. Can we figure out another way to have this discussion?” Is an entirely different conversation than, “I am not going to listen to you scream at me.”
I cringe when people say one of their “boundaries” is not permitting their spouse to “scream” at them. Or not permitting their spouse to go out with their friends. Or not permitting their spouse to do anything.
Giving “permission” is not a word spouses should use with each other. The spousal relationship is a partnership. Spouses should “reach an agreement.”
I like what Underdog said, "Boundaries never hurt."
