Thanks bea, Heather, and uR. I know its a process. I know it takes time. Maybe it was just so nice to be away from this. Maybe it was nice to not have to worry about seeing him or dealing with him or something like that. Not being surrounded by reminders at every turn of the head. Not fear of running into him or her... or them together. A sense of relief. Distance. My own life.
Part of that tells me to take it back... me. Don't allow it to take over or consume me. The fear, that is. I guess I just don't know how exactly to get over that- completely. I do have to tell myself to dig deep. I get pretty lonely. That's part of it. Yeah, I like being alone. But, the loneliness is starting to get to me.
It's like as soon as we get home, its back to REALITY, for sure. A reality I have come to not want. I can change it, make it my reality, but I am not sure how, exactly. A lot of things are out of my control.
I'm sad that I come home to this. My kids are off, and I'm alone. That he has someone to go home to. That he has a new family to go home to. And I have no choice but to deal with that. That he would chose that. I just don't understand. And I know I never will. And I know I can't try to make sense of it.
I had such a great week. I was so happy we went. It was so laid back and relaxing. We didn't rush anything. My kids appreciated that a lot. The difference with being there with just me. How much more laid back everything was. No freaking out when there were bumps in the road, or our car wasn't ready right away... etc...
Maybe I just feel unsettled bc I don't know what's next. That I don't want to do everything alone anymore. That I don't trust anyone anymore.
I know I am coming across as whiny and complaining. I really feel OK. Last week was good, and I was feeling like things were starting to turn around a little, but today it seems like the same ol'. So I guess I'm just frustrated about it. But, hey, tomorrow is another day, right? A day of renewal.
I just detest xh right now. That's the overbearing feeling. And I don't want to feel anything for him. At this point, I think I am just rambling. In my best Oz voice, "Pay no attention to the chick behind the laptop!"
uR- I think I need to hear it over and over... I've always been like that. Thanks for sickin with me!
Heather- can't wait for you to find that guy! He is out there looking for you!
bea- yeah, he is messing up big time. Often, especially now, I wonder if that is true! Because of how they carry on, like he is doing the right thing, and she feels so entitled and that they are a family (Barf- faux family, if you ask me), that I am wrong. That what they are doing is fine. It is making me question everything- like my thoughts. What is wrong with me? Are my feelings unjustified? It makes me feel so horrible. Worthless. Like they can walk around pretending to be this happy family and no one cares and is so happy for them and the fact that I am devastated doesn't matter, because, who am I? Who cares? People don't care! Not that I want people to feel sorry- that's not what I want at all! But people accepting them as a family- ugh! And at work- they are a couple! Ugh! I just don't count.
The only one who has the power to make that insignificant is me. But it is difficult.
