Escaping a Dr. Seuss Nightmare

[LoisB]

I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.

This is the sticking point for me. I'm still very angry with how my children have been treated.

What's helped me, recently, is read up on addiction and the changes which take place in the brain...changes which alter the brain's chemistry and leave addicts with a serious defect when it comes to understanding/acting upon the consequences of their actions.

In terms of MLC, I find it hard to believe that anyone--would wake up one day and say, "Hey! I think I will make a complete f---fest of my life! I will alienate my spouse of decades, do things my children will never forgive and, essentially, become an embarassment to my entire family!"

Much like addiction, there's some brain chemistry altering going on here. Otherwise, the world just isn't round like they say. I KNOW my husband loved me. I KNOW he loved our kids. And, more than anything else, I KNOW he loved our pets.

So, to do this 360, only makes sense in light of some mental disturbance or dysfunction within HIM.

The hard part is separating the behavior from the person. Accepting the person for who he is today and preparing our children for his inability to "be" there on any level. It's still a hard pill to swallow.

Looking at him honestly as a very complicated person with a long list of issues which aren't mine to solve...that makes a difference for me. Distance has helped me too. Helped me, although I wasn't prepared for the anger that surfaced when I had some perspective. Maybe I couldn't feel the anger when everything was so close and fresh? IDK.

It's a process.

I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...

STOP. Read some the threads. I've been here nearly 3 years. Still a work in process. Others have taken years to sort through all the feelings that come up with this trauma.

In a very short period of time, we've all had this traumatic experience of learning that what we believed was UP, was really down. The earth may not be round as we had been told. OUR foundations were rocked to the core. That's not something we can heal from overnight. It's just not.

You loved someone. You believed in someone. He changed. You've given accounts of his damaged childhood. Nearly every MLC-er on here has some seriously sad childhood story, including mine. You don't have the time and healing yet to understand. I do believe, though, some understanding will shine through at some point. At some point, you will feel glimmers of what the truth really is/was.

Maybe he is just a man who was afraid to have it all. Maybe he couldn't handle it. Maybe he didn't think he deserved it? Maybe the urge to run from happiness was just too great. Maybe he wasn't breastfed upside down and backwards. I don't know.

I DO, however, believe that the life they had with us was real and what they ran TOO...not so much. I see the good parts of Matt in my kids. I see the person he coulda been. I see the person he was afraid to be or maybe thought he wasn't capable of being? I don't know.

I know I will be ok. Him not so much and that still makes me very sad. And, I think about what Job posted to Kimmerz...the memories of the life they had with us...that will sustain them at some point through the pain of what they've lost.

Sadly, I think the damage that's been done has finally collapsed the bridge in my case.

How exciting, though, to think of myself as someone who really knows myself...we are different now Mighty! We know who we are and what we want and what we don't. I was just telling a friend today...what I want in the next man. And, if I don't find him, I will still be ok.

"I'm looking for a manly, well-read, gentle, generous kinda guy with a good sense of humor and good/understanding about kids with special needs. And fun in bed. And honest!!!! No games. I've narrowed it down."

Would I have ever considered I deserved ^^^^this guy^^^^^^ when I was 21 and engaged to Matt? Nope. Not even a little.