Sounds like they are all the same personality type. My H also comments on other situations or people when he is doing the same stuff. And acts amazed when people are offended by his behavior when he'd be offended in the same situation.
I wonder if some of it isn't defensive or protective. They don't want to see what they are actually doing. I know my H doesn't use the actual words "marriage", "divorce", "affair", "separation" except very very rarely. He refers to everything as "this" or "my situation".
T2 shouldn't have crossbones, she should have an exclamation point near her name. You just sum things up so clearly sometimes, T2
Okay, where is this guy? He still isn't come home from last night. I can suspect he's drinking again or that he's at OW's. But with the way we've been getting along lately I can't believe H would to there, but then who knows.
I CAN believe he's drinking again.
I called his cellphone late this morning, which was on and left him a message just wondering what happened to him if he was okay and to call.
So the waiting continues. He will show up eventually, but when and in what kind of condition can I expect him.
I am detached, this is HIS journey. How an almost 50 year old man can act this way is beyond me. It's clear I am the adult and today he is the teenager, an adult teenager.
Remember these things that he is saying to you are actually projections of himself. Not what you do or say, but what he sees himself doing, but can not admit that about himself.
What he is really saying, is that he doesn't know why he is planning these things, because he doesn't know if you are going to want to stay with him. Not if he is going to want to stay with you because he came back. He dumped the OW and is now planning things with you. If you notice, his actions do not match his words.
He says one thing and does another. He is not saying that you don't feel anything, but that he doesn't feel anything, but he just has not seen that it is him and not you. Still running from himself and having a hard time facing himself.
He is hitting the depression/withdrawal/acceptance stage. There are alot of things that he is seeing about himself that he is having a hard time facing. Yet he is going to have to face them. What did they do when they first entered MLC, they blame you for everything that was wrong in their lives because they could not face themselves. That is not going to change for a while.
He is blaming you again for the doubts that he has about himself. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. Just keep telling him that you are sorry he feels that way. What else can you say? It is his problem that he has to work through and not your own.
When you think about it, when you are going through something, how often do you automatically see it to be a problem you have and not the problem of the other person's first. Until the Lord opens up your eyes to make you see yourself, it is always the other person's fault.
I know for myself, there are times that I can pick something out in someone else that is actually my flaw, but until I look at myself, I don't see it. So just keep praying for him and let it go. Just keep responding like you are responding.
He doesn't feel that he deserves you and that is going to be that way for a while. If it were the other way around, would you feel that you deserved someone that stood there waiting for you after all the things that you did? He has to come to repentance and that is something that you can pray for him to receive.
One day he will stop saying those things. One day he will realize just exactly where the problem lies and it doesn't lie within you. It lies within himself.
Cathy, just more food for thought as you play the waiting game. During one of my H's rantings, he stated: I don't want to be five years down the road, and you walk out." It is his main fear. Maybe your H's, too,
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Well H showed up her early afternoon. S and I were downstairs and H came down. I asked him how the hockey game was and if he had just gotten up. H said not too long ago, I was sicker than a dog---from drinking till bar time.
H did spend the night at OW’s. I asked him where he stayed and he said do you want the truth or a lie. I said the truth and he told me.
I then went upstairs to our bedroom. H followed me up there and said to me “what do I disgust you?” I said no and asked him what happened. H said he drove there at bar time and doesn’t even remember driving to her house. Dropped off his buddy first and doesn’t remember doing that either. OW lives about 45 minutes away! H doesn’t know what possessed him to go her either. Said he was so drunk, the drunkest he’s been in along time and that’s where he ended up. I said didn’t you think of me here? H said to tell you the truth I wasn’t thinking of anything.
H then asked me what he should do? Said it’s been a year and he still can’t figure it out. I told him he needed to be the one to decide that he go into this himself. H then said, “Did I come back for our S? I said, “I don’t think you did.”
We talked about his drinking and driving, not remembering and what if he had gotten into an accident. H said he didn’t care about himself, but would if he killed someone else. I asked him of OW had said anything about that and H said no. H acted like he didn’t think drinking was a problem, that he wasn’t drinking because of the way his life was, that it was just something he did..now this is just me interpreting what he said but it kind of surprised me that he didn't think his drinking was a problem related to his problems?. I said people drink because they have problems and it just hides them.
And then there was a bolt of lightning and H said, “So when I’m drunk I go to OW and when I’m sober I don’t?” I said, “That seems to be the pattern” And it is.
I then asked H if he had gotten the rest of his stuff and he so no. I said why not? H said he just didn’t want to deal with OW, told OW he was leaving and left and came home. I said what did OW say before you left? H said “she loves me and wants me to move back in with her” I didn’t say anything.
S and I left H alone for the rest of the day. I kept S occupied. H is sick, sicker than a dog from drinking and I think he feels terrible and more confused then ever.
On the positive side, H did come back to me. I don’t feel that H is going to leave again. I think H is getting ready to leave replay…maybe…wishful thinking? Maybe H is getting ready to have an awakening?
Time will tell. I’ll just keeping doing what I’ve been doing.
You did well. Keep reading those books that you received. Keep standing with the Lord. He is coming around and you made him look at things that he probably hasn't looked at before.
You showed him a pattern and if he really thinks about it, in order to be around OW he has to be drunk. That is pitiful. Is that how he wants to be the rest of his life? He has to be doing some thinking.
You received two great positives. He came home to you and he told you the truth. She is a crutch and by the sounds of it, he is starting to figure that out.
H wasn't asleep when I came to bed. I came here first and then when to bed. H asked me "what I was typing to my lover" as he heard me at the computer. I said I don't have a lover. H then asked who I was typing to. I said some freinds here, H wanted to know what we talked about. I ASSume he thinks it's about him, but I told him it's a support network, helps me with things, that the only person I can control is myself.
So we laid there a bit longer and I said "I pray for you now" to which H said "you pray for me?" I said yes I do, for you, for S, for me.
And Laurie, H did say to me yesterday "don't I have any feelings?" A lot of things he said yesterday were phrased as questions.
Quote: You showed him a pattern and if he really thinks about it, in order to be around OW he has to be drunk. That is pitiful. Is that how he wants to be the rest of his life? He has to be doing some thinking.
It is a pattern, the last time he was so drunk he didn't know who he was OW was with him and took him to her "pen" and that wasn't that long ago either.
I hope H wakes up! For one thing he is killing himself. I'm sure his blood pressure was sky high yesterday!!
And it is pitiful, pitiful that neither of them can see it! Pitiful that they think their life together would be good. I have to beleive she is co-dependent and has her own problems. Eventually she will become a mess if H does choose here, her spirit will continue to die and that she will be where I was not too long ago.
I'm detached from his drama, this is his problem, a year ago I was a mess. I an thankful every day for what I've been given, for being shown the things I have been, for seeing that I AM NOT responsible for "fixing" my H. Either he "awakens" or he drowns.
Keep praying for him and letting him know on occassion that you are. That meant something to him and that is how you show him that you care.
You can't stop him from doing what he is doing, but you can continue the prayers so that he can see what he is doing.
I feel for him because of the bondage that he is under. I might recommend that you bind the spirit of depression and alcohol from him. Keep praying that every day. Pray that every time he goes to take a drink that it makes him sick before he even drinks it and believe that the Lord is going to do it.
Satan is trying really hard to destroy him. He can't get to you, so he is going to go after your husband. You are is pillar right now and you must be strong for him. He is going to tire of this woman because he is going to see her for what she truly is to him and the Lord is starting to show him. Keep praying that his spiritual eyes will continue to open.
The Lord is working on him and he needs your strength to get through this. You can not go through this for him, but you can certainly pray that the Lord protects him. Put the armor of God around you, him and your son every day.
I said people drink because they have problems and it just hides them.
Cathy