I understand. All of us deep down want reconciliation, but with the abuse, there's another element to it - a strange kind of addiction to the ups they provide after the downs. Have you seen an IC for this, your past?
Not to read into your journey, but I've recently discovered how "well-adjusted" and over achieving can be their own coping mechanisms.
Let me share some questions from my IC, for you:
1. If you can get through this and reconcile, what makes you think things will be different? (Not hope)
2. What in you keeps seeking to blame yourself or fix this? Why?
I am worried that in your letter to him, you are virtually begging and promising to be the one to change. That you mention taking care of his back on your insurance immediately after discovering thousands of dollars gambled, he's left you, and you're worried about taking care of him.
I'm sorry, so sorry, for the years invested. I haven't traveled such a long road, nor with kids, so I can only imagine. But why wish to throw good years after bad, when he's given no indication of wanting to change and be with you?
Just honest questions for you. Big hugs.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
