One day, Mighty, you will wake up and that heaviness will be gone. You will wake up and take a deep breath and think...I did it. I got through it and I am doing great.
Your life is yours to create. It's yours to paint however you want it. There is something amazing about that, really.
uR, your post gave me chills. This part ^^ I love. The first paragraph, I love. Thinking about getting through this seems like a never ending story... but, the possibility of there actually being an ending to this nightmare... getting through this... oh man... what a thought.
The second part, my life- making it my own. That is a feeling that I certainly am embracing. For the first time in my life, I can make choices based on what I want and need without the influence from anyone. I dig that. It feels good.
And thank you job, Heather, and uR for coming to my rescue while I was spinning from the radioactive waves stemming from xh. Ugh. He is such a PIA. I don't even think he is doing anything to me, particularly, but the mere though of him makes me cringe. I really can't believe I am at this point... I just can't stand him. I think I could go the rest of my life without seeing, hearing from, or having anything to do with him and I'd be better off. I just can't believe that I feel like that. It shocks me, but they are real feelings. Feelings that I haven't felt before.
Does this mean I am getting over him? Does it mean I am angry? I hope I'm not bitter. I don't think so. I just feel so much better without his shenanigans, that I'd rather not...
It's an unexpected feeling for me. Yet, I just keep following along where these feelings are taking me. Granted, I am trying to keep my emotions in check... but that is different than owning my feelings.
I still get upset. Angry. Frustrated. Baffled. Heartbroken. Disgusted. Confused. Sad. But, I am sloooooooooooly finding my way.
I just can't believe this. That's the overriding theme. Unbelievable. I can't believe he has a baby and gave up his family to be with the person who does not care about his family. Who feels entitled in the most unbelievable way.
uR. You post earlier also had the analogy about noticing the car, because it's on your mind. I could not believe that you posted that, because I had given the same analogy to my son a few hours earlier when he was telling me about something on his mind. Thought there was something wrong, but I used the analogy and just explained that it is just something he is going through now, but that it won't be on his mind forever. Some time in the future, he will be thinking about something else. But that was crazy that you posted that. Great minds think alike, huh?
job:
Quote:
He's not worth getting upset over.
BAM! That's so right on. This made me think, what can I do that will make me happy and not worry about this anymore. What am I not doing? I don't want to be reactive to his behavior. I want to be productive where I just don't even have time to care what he is doing or not doing.
I want to protect my daughter. So, I will be as honest as I can w/o unnecessarily upsetting her. I will allow her r with xh to be what it is... on their terms. I will let her know that I am unwavering. I am here for her.
I also feel kind of lame. Like, it is taking me so long. I know I am doing better, but I know I still have a lot of work to do. It seems like by now, I should be so much further along. What am I doing wrong? I think I still had too much faith in him. Despite everything he had done, I believed he was still there inside. I think part of me was waiting for that...
What he did, when he came back, really messed me up. But, I think it is helping me to really let go. But, it left new wounds, too. Part of me has rebounded quicker, but I just had further up to go. Will I ever really recover? Just when I think I am doing so well, I have this relapse. I am struggling because I feel tired of dealing with it. I feel like i am running out of resources. Even coming here. You guys have been so amazing and helped me keep my emotional and mental stability as good as I could have... yet, what else can be said? Have I progressed at all in the past 8 months?
I think that's a good question for me to look in the mirror and ask.
