Maybell XXXIII: Towanda!!!!

[Maybell]

Thank you all, it was a nice birthday.

I'm feeling a little more neutral towards STBX. I don't respect him or want to be near him or have anything to do with him but I don't want to throw rocks at him either. There is a huge hole in my chest when I think how important he was to me and for however long (I'll never know how long) he valued me so little that he could sleep around and be so callous about me and the damage he was doing. That hurts, to have been treated with such contempt. I'm sad he's not a better person. I'm disappointed in him and I do not trust him at all. But I will live through it.

I have been clenching my teeth something fierce as I power through disentangling myself from my marriage and now they really hurt. Since I'm about to have major medical only -- no more vision or dental coverage -- I hope that as I acclimate this improves.

I looked at houses today. There's one that would be nice but it's not the kind of life I want (subdivision life. NO.) and there is just NOTHING else out there. I know shame won't help, but I hope STBX feels a lot of it, because I'm feeling tremendous anxiety about how and where the kids and I are going to live and every g-d ounce of that is on him.

How could he have inflicted all this on someone who loved him? On his kids? Who is that kind of jerk?

I woke up this morning feeling happy to be done with him. This upset is just the housing anxiety talking. I don't want to live in a subdivision. I don't want to live that way to the point of tears. I know God will make a way for things to work but sometimes I wish he didn't have to be so mysterious about it. There is NOTHING on the market in my area. I think the house will sell pretty fast because of that. I'm really scared.

On the up side... I do feel like I understand now who I am. What my path is meant to be and how I intend to travel it.

TOWANDA.