Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

I value your perspective, TLEE.
I doubt my H has the ability to look at his actions. He's rather been in the habit of running/ignoring his problems or turning his anger to everyone else for however he feels they've failed them, whether as friends, professionals or in my case, a partner.

If you have time look at my 'I want it all thread and how it went down in the end.'

I believe my H was systematically (whether planned or instinctive) trying to tear down my self belief prior to the incident. He was not a man who wanted to be with me. He sabotaged this and used me for a roof over his head and sex before his settlement. I wonder if he actually believed he was trying when he came home, or if this plan was lurking in the back of his brain if he wasn't hilariously pleased.

I think my H had mommy issues. She was a closet alcoholic and he was in his mid twenties and she was institutionalized before he realized all was not well. (How can you be in that kind of denial??? I knew when I was five about my dad.) She neglected him, and it's all I hear in his raging, "you don't care about me, I guess I'm on my own, everyone just runs me over, I need people I can depend on, I need people who can teach me about myself..." Yes, all that from a 37 yo man. I don't doubt he is legitimately, furiously angry and disappointed in me. I just don't feel like owning it anymore. Because of DR, I tried real hard to own it, and he used it against me when he came home - asking how mich therapy if need before I realized how bad if been for him, telling me I was just being me, he couldn't talk to me - anything I said I took responsibility for, he used as a weapon against me, as belittling attacks.

TLEE, he's gone around telling people it's not healthy for him to be with someone who 'causes' him to blow up that way. Was this also your attitude before you started looking at why you behaved this way?

Let's say 5-6 months comes and goes. How could I ever respect or trust him? Would you be able to promise you wouldn't react with violence when you felt the same ole feelings? I think knowing is only half the battle and I don't know what the other half is...