Hi guys! Thank you so much for being Family Vacation Remix cheering squad!
We got in late last night. Never, in all the times, have I felt like I did not want to come home like I did yesterday. Not that I wanted to stay were I was, I just did not want to come back.
Then, as we were driving home from the airport, I could just feel it. As I started approaching the town we live in, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I started getting the heaviness on my chest. I felt terrible. I realized how much I feel terrorized here. How I feel like I am drowning in.... stuff. In survival mode. Not happiness. Yes, I can be happy and laugh, but I feel like I am in a thickness of bad energy and vibes. Hmmm....
On the other hand... I slept in this morning. Got up and made some coffee, and if feels good to be home. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping, and I feel OK. But, in my home, there silence of disparity remains. Its in the background, like a ghost. You feel the presence, sometimes, but don't always acknowledge it. It just is.
The trip was awesome! I am so glad we went. We really had an amazing time. We were really connected. Kids got along well.... minus arguments over music. Many, many music arguments. I tried to use it as a way to teach consideration, cooperation, and you know... the stuff you shouldn't have to tell a 18 & 14 year old???? So, they would take turns, then it became an issue over volume. Which, you could say, well we will leave it at x. But, the would change it on their iphone, which would be plugged into the car.... you know.... kid stuff... I just heard about it every day. Every time we were in the car. Every song that changed. OMG. HA! OK, maybe not every time... but you catch my drift.
We played Uno in the airport and on the plane. I thought about my thread and kind of smirked to myself.
When we got home last night, s18 came into my room and hung out for a little while. He opened up about his dad again. He has said more this week than ever. He feels pretty much done with him. I said that in time, I am sure they can work to repair their r. But, he is adamant that right now he wants noting to do with him. He even mentioned again how much he looked up to him as a kid. How he just thought he was the best. And when kids would talk about their dad, he would always top them by talking about his dad.
He said he does not even know who his dad is anymore. He feels like he is gone, and he doesn't know this person. That he cant even remember, really, what he was like, and what it was like to be around him. That he can't even imagine him being in this house anymore.
He says it is never going to work out with him and hww. He gives it a couple months, but says he does not think he can stand her- she controls him and uses the baby which is why he is there. He thinks it is so weird picturing him there with her son, he can't even see him really having a r with him. (Xh is not a fan of messes, craziness, crying, any type of... toddler behavior! He was more easy going when my kids were little, but still liked to maintain order).
S18 has come around in his own behavior. It was only a few months of him acting out, but I am so proud that he was able to pull it together. He does have a good head on his shoulders, but I can see how this has changed him. He sill has anger. He has less patients, but I know he is only 18. We talked about how people can "change." And not the way his dad has, but like temperament and things of that nature. It was a really good talk. I expressed to him how I have changed in the past year and that anyone can make changes. It is just about perspective and how you change your view on things or how you perceive them which will reflect in you actions.
It was weird not having him there for our trip. I have no idea- truly- I have no idea about this guy, but it seems like it would be weird for him, too. And the texts to the kids maybe say it. But, I can honestly say, that I felt some progress on this trip. It was an emotional whirlwind. But one thing I really came away with is that I just don't know this guy. I thought it before, and he seemed strange, but I think I thought of it more as his actions. But now, I just don't know him. He is a total stranger. And I think I'd like to keep it that way. And when I see him, I want it to be like a stranger. So I feel indifferent, and can act accordingly.
The baby thing is still the hardest. And, probably not the best place to go was Orlando. It is a baby haven. I mean... i was surrounded, at every friggin moment by babies and strollers and .... all of it! Weren't all the babies supposed to be at Disney? Well... they weren't.
And the plane ride there, I kid you not- it was like out of a movie- either a comedy or a horror flick... I am pretty sure there were more babies than adults on the friggin plane. That's how my trip started. You know I have to plug my ears now when I hear babies or people talking about them- not like full-blown Rainman reaction, but nonchalantly. I can't look at them... PTST. The damn baby! An innocent, cute, babbling baby... a baby I have never even seen... can make me go postal. WTF!
Well.... is the Lord testing me? Putting me on a baby-filled, action-packed plane for 1000 miles? First, my kids made good use of their Beats on this flight. S18 said he took them off for a second, heard what what happening outside of his rap music, and they went right back on. I'd take the rap music, too.
It was so bad, that I could not even count the number of babies crying on the plane. I mean that, because I tried! There were too many. The lady in the isle across from me started yelling, "Land this thing!" "Is every baby on this thing crying?" "How long is it gonna take to get us down?" "Get me off of this plane! What is wrong with all these babies?"
OK, so I knew it wasn't just me being hypersensitive. God has a sense of humor, right?
