Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[TLEE86]

Z- I am so sorry to find you back in this forum but I am glad you are writing. Few thoughts of mine because this post of yours really made me reflect. I'll be honest, I didnt have time to read all 9 pages of it but here we go. You've read my thread and how I was, and maybe I can shed some light for you on this after 6months separation, 9months of reflecting (while I was in school). This isn't a highjack or a...lets talk about T post, but hopefully it helps understand his behavior.

-H threw an broke your phone- I've done that at least twice
-H stood in your path and blocked your way out- Ive done that more times than I can count
-H was overbearing stood over you- Done it
-H screamed bloody murder and somehow it was your fault that the bowls were broken- Been there

Now I never threw things at my W, but as you can see I've done more than my share of what will be considered abusive, whether its physically hitting someone or not, its all the same.

Now I have asked myself WHY would I do that, to the one person that I love the most in the entire world. And I have asked myself over and over and over and over again until I am so tired of thinking about it and then it starts again. I never figured it out until this separation. I started thinking about it in Ranger School, vowed to never do that again, and when W left, i thought some more. Here's what I came up with,

I was and still am very insecure about certain things- less so now than before. I wasn't happy with who I was, with my work, how I was viewed by other people. Before I got my Ranger Tab, I was extremely insecure, it was a chip on my shoulder that I did NOT have because everyone else had it- so I was viewed very differently. I felt judged and insecure. It didnt help that my W is 24, blonde, and just beautiful and life of the party. I felt that people liked her company more than me, and these are my friends. My whole life became very...insecure and i was very anxious when we went places, because i knew the attention was on her and not me, and I was unhappy at work because of the whole Ranger thing. So i took everything out on my W. She was the only thing in my "control" that I could feel better about myself with. So i took her for granted and "abused" her. And you know the rest.

Something deep down in your H, he is missing something in himself, not in you. When he gets angry, just like I got angry, its really not entirely because of you. What triggers the anger is, but the escalation of the anger is not you. It is something that he has to find out what is causing it. For me, it was the insecurities at work and with my own W. Idk what your H's is but until he finds it, that anger will always be there. Maybe its because he finally realizes that Z is awesome, and that he is unhappy with how he has been to you and what his life is like. Maybe its because he's pissed off about how he is treated at work, or how things aren't going well in the separation and he cant figure out why. Maybe he cant swallow his pride enough to come home yet. Who knows, it can be anything.

But you can seriously do nothing about it. It took me at least a good 5 months to figure out that I was verbally abusive because I had so many fears and concerns about ME, NONE of which had to do with my W at all. I wish I never did those things. Your H will learn the same.

I don't have much advice, but to seriously give him the time and space to think about what he did. Every time I did those things, even while doing it, I knew it was wrong. But i brushed it off, and so did W, and we never addressed them. Now separated, I know that it was horribly wrong and it pains me to say it, but, I can see why she left. Let him seriously dwell on the awfulness of what he did. Really give him time to think.

Not sure if that helps, sorry it was so long, but Ive done everything your H did and more possibly, and thats how I view it, 6 months into separation. Have a good weekend Z