Need Help 3

[Cadet]

Pick yourself up
Dust your self off
And Start Moving Forward again.

I doubt that anything you did was the cause.

Just my .02

[errod]

I need to get off this roller coaster. W has talked very friendly the last couple days then her and OM elevate their relationship in a hotel room. So today she texts D14 that she is out front so meet her there to leave. Never told me or came to say hi or nothing. I knew we would be doing a kid exchange but we always said hi.

[Fogg]

Expectations, have none. Even little things like that can effect you.

[PatientMan]

I need to get off this roller coaster. W has talked very friendly the last couple days then her and OM elevate their relationship in a hotel room. So today she texts D14 that she is out front so meet her there to leave. Never told me or came to say hi or nothing. I knew we would be doing a kid exchange but we always said hi.

Yes, the key is detachment.

Detachment is like a diet of the mind. With a regular diet (of food), you recognize that you WANT certain foods. You agree that they smell good and you remember how they taste (delicious!). BUT, despite all of that, you consciously choose to not indulge.

The beginning stages of detachment - that is, until you really start to move forward (but not inherently 'past') - are like this type of a diet. It's okay to admit you want certain things and that you miss certain things or certain people, you are just exercising a choice you have already made not to indulge in with this temptation. You are making a predetermined healthier choice until you reach your target goals.

Make the choice. Plan ahead. Live it out.

-PM

[errod]

Well I spent all afternoon and evening with good friends. We had dinner then watched some movies. I slept during the movie but that is fine I will take sleep when ever I can get it.

My friends that I reconnected with last week have been great. They have really been helping me through this and giving me good advice, that is extremely similar to the message I am getting from this board.

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the week for me. I have such a hard time finding things to do on Saturdays. I may just have to get caught up on some reading and watch some shows that are sitting on my DVR.

[Vanilla]

Errod

Get a plan for Saturdays.

Find a class, do the shopping.

Get a cheap book or download, find a cafe with a view (people, scenery, sea, gym) and read with a lonnnnng coffee or drink.

Go for a walk, gym, run chat to strangers. Volunteer in a shop.

Early evenings cook a lovely meal, try a new recipe, glass of wine or beer. Watch a game, film, meet a mate for an evening drink. Go dancing.

Then adapt for the following weeks.

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Here is today for V

Am gym 2 hrs

pm shopping,

Rotary volunteering

Thai Prawns with noodles glass of wine (sorry Edz)

Local pub has a band meeting a friend there

Tomorrow

Am gym

Pm work invoicing

Evening Ceroc class with different friend

Etc.........

In the spaces, I prepared the house for viewing. researched wine. Bought bday pressie for bestie (fun), posted, photographed jeep for sale. cleaned car. Bought steam cleaner with discount voucher. The day is not over. time spent crying over H 30 mins.
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A plan, few empty spaces it is good to plan! It's plain ordinary every day GAL.

V

[Sotto]

Errod, you are blessed with advice from V - GAL queen herself. I agree with V that GAL needn't be too complicated - just get off the couch, ideally get out and give your day some structure. And if that structure includes some fun and meeting new folk - even better!

My GAL is pretty low key today. Helped the parents this morning, and bookstore this pm. Going to do a food shop after that...

The other day, I was at home and a bit blah - so took my ipad off to the local coffee shop and studied for an hour over coffee - £2 - and very pleasant.

A regular fitness class is also good. I think the main thing is just to decide to do something and go off and do it - but maybe also give some thought to a more regular thing on Sat, that you will look forward to.

Hope you have a good day :-)

[errod]

I just got home from the gym this morning. I am washing clothes and running the dishwasher as I type this. I am going to clean soon. Then I will probably sit outside and get caught up on some reading.

I am worried about W trying to brainwash D14 against me. D14 is not dumb though and just like every time I persue W she backs away, D14 does the same to her.

I have to be honest though knowing W went out at 11 at night to go meet a dude at a hotel 40 miles away from both of them has really left a scar on me. At moments I feel the lowest I have in this whole situation. At the same time even though I don't want things to be over, I know realize it is out of my control and I am able to function again. I do not watch my phone anymore, I do not call or text her.

I do have to see W tonight at D14's cheer banquet and I know she is going to try and sit with me. And of course I will reach for the drug. I can't move because sitting with her feels so good and then I think things can work out again.

[Fogg]

I have to be honest though knowing W went out at 11 at night to go meet a dude at a hotel 40 miles away from both of them has really left a scar on me. At moments I feel the lowest I have in this whole situation. At the same time even though I don't want things to be over, I know realize it is out of my control and I am able to function again. I do not watch my phone anymore, I do not call or text her.

Sorry you have to deal with that thought. I can understand how traumatic it can be, but it really is out of your control. I know that doesn't ease the pain any but just know shes not doing this to hurt you, and what she has with this man isn't real. Its a desperate attempt for her to fill a void. Just give her time to figure it out and at the end of it if she ever comes out of it you both can decide if its something you want to work on.

Over time detaching does get easier, but you still have to work at it constantly. Its too easy to slip up and backslide. When/if you do just pick yourself up and keep going.

I can't move because sitting with her feels so good and then I think things can work out again.

Understandable, but those expectations will only hurt you in the long run so its best to keep it out of your mind as much as possible. The thought will come up, not much you can do about that, but how long you stew over it in your mind is something you can somewhat control.

[PatientMan]

Tomorrow is the hardest day of the week for me. I have such a hard time finding things to do on Saturdays. I may just have to get caught up on some reading and watch some shows that are sitting on my DVR.

This is why planning ahead is so important. I am not advocating that you create a schedule that places a strangulating hold on your life, just that you have a general plan of how you will spend your time, and you especially have a few "go to" activities for when the emotional temptations are clouding your vision (they will, and you will be able to tell because you will find yourself trying to justify an action you know violates your predetermined contract with yourself).

As the old saying goes: failing to plan is planning to fail.

Let's use the diet example again: The beginning stages of the diet are sometimes the most challenging because you have yet to fully adjust your body and mind to your new lifestyle. All of this is new and your old habits are still very instinctive. Pizza with the kids, dinner with coworkers, a cookout with friends are all potential pitfalls that can completely derail some people. But if we know that event is coming up (and 99% of the time we do), we can plan ahead. We find those situations much easier to manage when we are not hungry because we've just eaten 12 oz. of chicken along with a large salad. All of a sudden, the temptations can be resisted!

And it just gets easier with time and positive results.

So think about a basic schedule you want to keep. For me there were certain days where it was set in stone that I was going to the gym (I even put it as a recurring appointment on calendar). I had group get togethers that got me meeting new people and, along with enjoying the group, knowing other people would be there counting on ME to be there too was good to keep me accountable and attending, even if I didn't 'feel' like it.

I thought about what to do in case of an 'emergency'. The inner dialogue I had going on was absolutely fundamental and irreplaceable for me. Having short phrases I would tell or ask myself in a moment would help me stay on track. I still keep (3+ years now) a list of Bible verses and advice I created and printed off in my wallet. Wherever I am, I can quickly and easily pull that out and read through all or a section of them to set my mind at ease or remind me of my goals.

All of this was a very PROACTIVE effort on my part because I knew I needed to change the way I understood and valued myself and my life. And like any diet, it was challenging at first, but I found that as soon as I made the decision, it was actually quite freeing. It was as though I didn't even have to think about the temptation anymore because I had already decided I would not be partaking in that. The decision was made, I was just living it out.

Over time, my body and mind acclimated and then thrived on my new 'diet'. The old and unhealthy ways were no longer nearly as appealing, and the newer, healthier ways were strengthening and motivating.

The two biggest factors I can think of are:

1) Mental resolve, and
2) Planning ahead for when #1 fails me

Every action you take is a conscious decision you make. As uncomfortable as some decisions make us, we always have the control and the power, which is why I say in full confidence to anyone willing, "You CAN do this."

You can do this.

-PM