Not much of an update but I am proud to report a nice benefit of NC - the forest becomes increasingly visible when not lost in the trees.
It's been almost 48 hours that I have been consistent in my view of H as an unbalanced, sometimes sweet and adoring child and sometimes raging child - neither one 'got' life and was willing to be responsible or accountable. I am sorry, H, I will always love you and I'm sure you will make plenty of sense to me if I desperately want you to. But I don't anymore.
Per Cadet's kind instructions, my love is firmly in a box on the shelf and an authentically responsible and bslanced H would have to come seeking me out to show me that. Over time.
My H has never pursued much or put consistent effort into things. Lacks grit. So it is about as unlikely as winning the lottery and I no longer wish to reclaim him as he was. I realized this morning he would have been happy to ignore me as long as I would have let him, after our last incident, just like the sulking teenage boy he was acting like before - entitled to home, food, friends' parties, all the while acting as though I didn't exist and it's acceptable to be in a marriage like that. No thank you, this is not how I will live. My next love will share my beliefs in effort and communication, and will be someone who walks the path beside me.
Enjoying my family for Easter. Wishing everyone who reads this far moments of joy in your new beginnings as well. The calla lily is such a wonderful symbol of death and re-birth. It was my wedding flower, too. My anniversary is in three days.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
