...and another WAS

[Cadet]

I have been told (by W) to keep our contact to business only and be professional. which is reasonable. but she is not helping matters. It seems she has done nothing but push my buttons since BD at every turn.

Maybe she read DR.

That is the same advice you get here!

I flip every minute about whether I want to do this or not, save my M. does anyone else think this is crazy?

Nope this is perfectly natural.
You are cycling just like her.
And the confusion is the greatest the closer you are to bomb drop.

[Zues126]

First off, when someone is pushing your buttons, don't change their behavior, just unplug the power so they don't do anything. That's the detaching. Not easy, and time helps. So then part of it is being ok with your reactions for a time as they are normal. Best thing to do is not empower them further with thoughts about "why does she have all of this power over me?!?", but instead "yeah, totally standard that I'd feel this way, this too shall pass", followed by a deep breath.

Why do we stand? Big picture perspective. See, in the short term, it IS easier to just split and find someone else. Then in 5-10 years when you get in the same spot just rinse and repeat. The problem with that is that you end up with a series of broken families and spread that pattern to your children so they can do the same. You'll never have a lifelong partner, you'll be deprived of the comfort of knowing you can work through anything with your W, you may be alone when your body starts to fail and you want companionship. All of those things. So yeah, if you want out of pain now and just the best 1-2 years possible, PM me and I can give you a list of destructive ways to medicate. But those of us here want more.

Then there are values, beliefs, and commitments. Some are religious and take their vows to God seriously. I personally believe in the importance of those commitments and think that they trump feelings. IN fact, I think that's what VALUES are for. They are a series of beliefs we promise ourselves to live by trusting that they will be better for our lives than doing what we feel like. Again...better in the long term and overall.

I gave up on saving my M, and instead just worked on being a better me and a better H. That way I'm in a win win. If some type of miracle brought us together again in a better M, fantastic. If not, I can sleep easy knowing I followed my beliefs, and I can be optimistic that the future will be better and that I will be prepared for my next R.

And while I believe my M is over, I can truly say I think I'm developing into H material for a lucky lady someday...Wouldn't trade that for the world!

[Pyrite]

maybe she should read it again. i'm sure it says BE professional, pay bills etc, not just say the words

i can't imagine she is cycling, cycling through what. she seems pretty resolute. her only upset was being caught out and exposed with OM. BD it was totally me. Absolutely ALL my friends and family there is NO OM. But then what are all these pictures ....... scramble, scramble, up the ante, the M was toxic, blah blah - sorry venting again

[Pyrite]

Why do we stand? Big picture perspective. See, in the short term, it IS easier to just split and find someone else. Then in 5-10 years when you get in the same spot just rinse and repeat. The problem with that is that you end up with a series of broken families and spread that pattern to your children so they can do the same. You'll never have a lifelong partner, you'll be deprived of the comfort of knowing you can work through anything with your W, you may be alone when your body starts to fail and you want companionship. All of those things. So yeah, if you want out of pain now and just the best 1-2 years possible, PM me and I can give you a list of destructive ways to medicate. But those of us here want more.

of course i agree about the "sanctity" of M. A few minutes after BD, she screamed I don't owe you anything. "Excuse me but you do, thats what commitment is." There is so much too learn from this, to make us healthier and stronger. I wanted to learn it together. I wanted to look back on this as a great moment in our marriage that brought us closer together.

I've had way too much experience with self medication thanks. Ironically, my whole life, including the whole gambit. But now, the last 3 months, zip. Not even a beer. I'm surprised myself actually.

[Zues126]

Couple of things. First this is a LONG road and we have no idea where it leads. It's very early in your sitch. So just do what you believe YOU should do. My mantra is to "act with the character I wish she had". If we just give up after BD because the WAS is acting crazy, are we really living up to our vows? Or do they deserve a couple of years to see if they are just going through a life crisis?

I realize how few people do this. My best friend's W is a family therapist, she says like < 5% of people in a D do what most of the people on this board do. Most rebound or medicate, try to control their ex through poor behavior, or at best just walk away. Very few try to learn from it.

I had an acquaintance who had been BD'd. I found out his W asked for a D two months earlier. We talked about it, and I was talking about the DB site and ways. Then he told me he had been seeing a new girl for 6 weeks and wanted to talk about that R. I knew right away I had made a mistake. Most people just don't do this stuff.

What do YOU think? How long do you feel is appropriate to stand by your M? Until she cheats? Until she says it's over? Until the divorce is inked? Or until you have really moved on, grown, the dust has settled, it's a year after your D is FINAL, you can see there is no sign of change in your ex, and you are interested in using your new skills to build with someone else?

[Cadet]

How long do you feel is appropriate to stand by your M? Until she cheats? Until she says it's over? Until the divorce is inked? Or until you have really moved on, grown, the dust has settled, it's a year after your D is FINAL, you can see there is no sign of change in your ex, and you are interested in using your new skills to build with someone else?

I read some where that you should heal for at least one month for every year you have been married.

For me that was 3 years after my divorce.
28 years married.

This stuff really takes TIME!

[Pyrite]

Thanks Zeus. It is early days yet. I am still in a position of having faith that my beautiful wife is still in there somewhere, and she will re-surface at some stage.

Couple of things. I realize how few people do this. My best friend's W is a family therapist, she says like < 5% of people in a D do what most of the people on this board do. Most rebound or medicate, try to control their ex through poor behavior, or at best just walk away. Very few try to learn from it.

I think i've always been in the few percent minorities. . It sounds very encouraging. That we are the chosen and the righteous . At least I am sure that we are the the wiser and healthier for exploring whatever issues we can.

I knew right away I had made a mistake. Most people just don't do this stuff.

Sad but true. Even less "crazy" than DBing. I find I have to adopt this approach and vary my story to different audiences. e.g. one family member can't understand why I object to them just calling her a b***ch, and you're better off with out her, style comments.

What do YOU think? How long do you feel is appropriate to stand by your M? Until she cheats? Until she says it's over? Until the divorce is inked? Or until you have really moved on, grown, the dust has settled, it's a year after your D is FINAL, you can see there is no sign of change in your ex, and you are interested in using your new skills to build with someone else?

All good/unanswerable questions. I am finding solace in just being here. Adopting the attitude that I can have her in my life. Think thoroughly through everything that happened. Get mad/sad/glad, Dr. Seussical even. I find it cathartic, rather than the conventional approach of just think about something else. I suppose in DB speak, I find detaching easier by embracing. Which makes sense really. Gritting your teeth and tensing just makes injections hurt even more.

This sits well with me too. Rather than trying so hard to brush it aside and move on, I can move on at my pace. And i dont have to say goodbye to her until I am ready. That sounds unhealthy doesn't it?

[Pyrite]

so 6mths to a year for me then, a lease cycle. I have decided I am prepared to compromise all the way towards her preferred locale if need be to preserve this 50/50 custody deal. else, it could likely end up in the hands of the court who will default to the W.

[Pyrite]

4 days - zero contact. it isn't a record, but it feels like one. I'm not in a hurry anymore to point out the mortgage has gone into arrears AGAIN. OR her part of childcare bill is mounting up. these were just semi-excuse to make contact with her. i know that

[Pyrite]

This freakin' cycling is killing me. I have been so angry just now. Unpacking the groceries sparked it. I just want to shake her, "You can't do this XXXX!!!! The rules are that you have to give me a warning first, we have to try and fix the M together!! You DO owe me this much. IS that what you want to teach our daughters commitment is?"