...and another WAS

[Pyrite]

Be honest now. How did you treat her. What were the NEGATIVE things that you did to contribute to your marital problems?

In the last few years I have treated her badly. You’ll get no argument from here on that point. I feel terrible. I did even at the time. It got to a point where I couldn’t even help it when I tried. Part of the reason I didn't defend myself when BD, was that I deserved it. All I asked for was to please return to her stance of a week earlier. I couldn't understand how everything changed so rapidly. Then OM occurred to me. From her response I pieced it together though. She was way over me when BD. She was wrestling with her own demons over ending the M. It also explained why she was SO angry. However badly I treated her over the years though, she made up for it then. She made me repeat to make sure I heard her properly. “Our 2nd child was no more than a sibling for the first. She didn’t want a child with me.” etc etc. And this was 2 years ago. Anyway, as I said, I deserved it. I was so convinced of it (and still am) that when I did finally emerged and told other people, I told them that I was the sole reason, argued it even.

Other people reminded me that it is unlikely that I was 100% to blame. “What did you do?” I treated her badly. “Why?” “But you didn't used to be such a prick, what happened”. I have discussed this already but can repeat if you wish. I wish I had’ve reacted differently, but that’s where I was at the time.

I see that control was a big issue on your part. Give us specifics. It's only when you can brutally see yourself in the mirror and let it all out here can you get on the road to save your M.

Control. Hmmm. I have my own ideas of how I might be controlling, but what gives it away for you. In reality I never directed her to do anything. I did push my own agenda to some degree, but really no more than anyone does. Paranoiacally though I wonder if I started the R with her because I could control her (being young and naaive), BUT one thing that came out in aftermath of BD was how I pushed her to increase her command of English and awareness of current affairs etc. I witnessed many times in our early years people taking advantage of her naivety and I just wanted her to stand up for herself. She was not stupid, and it wasn't being fair on herself to let people form that opinion. And they did, I know this for a fact. Now look what i’ve done, I’ve created a monster. Thats what i meant by mentor, and actually she used the term, not me.

Something seems to be missing in your story. You concentrate alot on what you perceive are your W's faults, calling her a "domestic pig", young, inexperienced, etc., while you paint your "faults" as being almost a noble thing. You said you were older, mentor, wiser, etc.

She was a pig, she’ll admit that. She was a young 20. I was an old 30. In no way was it a fault. An incompatibility perhaps. All of those faults were trivial anyway in comparison. The real pain started when she admitted that I wasn’t a high priority for her. Several years ago while I was immersed in my PhD, she wanted to leave me. She went away for a week, I made a big effort, and we were OK again. I felt we were back there, and just recently she admitted we were.

You really do have a low opinion of her. I can see why she would get turned off by you.

It certainly comes across that way ATM. And there are elements of that in my bad treatment of her in recent times, and now. I have no patience with her.

To preface, we've seen MANY posters like yourself and take the same tone. You'll disagree and argue with the assessment, but it really doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your WIFE thinks.

After the last three months I would bet my life that you cant hurt my feelings. I wish I could talk to my wife about what she thinks. In aftermath of BD she asked me why I love her. I asked her the same and among responses was that I had always listened to her and acted on any of her concerns. I admit that I lost that.