Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Thank you V. I return to work on Tuesday and I am very anxious about it, but I got pretty much all of my planning done, with a few tweaks for two students still needed. I still have to write up a bunch of reports. This was one awful, anxious break that just keeps getting worse, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into the ground.

Last night I found out that H had signed up to do a charity run with OW. I found the roster for those who signed up. There is no one else from work, just the two of them and one of his buddies who is not connected. That felt like a slap in the face that he is now including her in plans with friends from outside their shared environment. I confronted him, probably should have left well enough alone but with everything I am carrying right now my panic attacks where so unbearable, I had to unload. Of course it made everything worse.

Apparently he had also made plans with her yesterday to get the girls together. i think he was also originally part of the plan but back peddled a bit. I told him I was ok with her going if I was the one to drop her off. He said ok, and then later stated that she did not feel comfortable with me coming to her home. On a side note, H had previously arranged situations where OW dropped D off at my house--she wasn't afraid of running into me then? I told him that if she had a problem with me dropping my own daughter off at a play date then she needs to tell me directly. Of course she didn't, I dropped off and she hid in her house, she sent her kids out to meet D in the drive way. H insisted that he pick up. He was a real douche about it. He was gone for the day, ended up signing up for a new phone contract without checking to see if dropping the line for our current contract would cause a problem. He called me from her house when he was picking up D to tell me about the new phone. Then he told me he is trying to figure out how to get me out of our home, and suggested I leave last night. I refused.

I was kind of relentless with pressing for information and I did pile on a bit--maybe a lot I don't know. I got some info, but I'm still not satisfied and I know that I need to detach and that everything I did for the past 24 hours was the opposite of that. I think that there is no turning back at this point. He told me that I am unraveling. I told him I am going through a really tough time, and that when he went through his tough time I was there for him. I never turned my back on him. He said that I wasn't as supportive as OW was. I said, I tried to be but you turned away from me. He admitted that that was probably true, and maybe one day on his rode to recovering his happiness I will have to be one of the people he apologizes to.

So I now have a confirmed EA. I have an H who is so caught up in controlling the entire situation that he has given OW power to dictate if I am allowed to drive my own children to play dates due to her discomfort. I told him that I need to be included in plans and that she needs to get over her shame of facing me if she plans to invite my kids over to her house. I did nothing to this woman except ask her if there was something going on between them back in October. I accepted her answer, apologized for making things uncomfortable for her, and have been nothing but civil and friendly to her ever since. She has given me dirty looks and runs away from me every time she sees me. Either he is feeding her BS about me, or she has a guilty conscience.

But the fact of the matter is that it is killing me. DBing was so much easier before I suspected OW. Last year I felt like I was making such great progress, but this woman has made it impossible to detach. Now my marriage is really over. I don't think I can save it. I don't want to move without my children. I don't want her involved with my children--but it is too late for that. The only way to avoid that is to interfere with the girls' friendship (which I am pretty sure has been fostered and pushed together by the two of them because the girls have know each other since birth and never were that close until this year), or to pull the kids out of the school--which will be terrible for them. I'm stuck with this woman and it makes me sick.

So in such a muddied situation, is there a place for boundaries? Am I in the right for insisting that if D goes to their house I have the right to do the drop off and pick up regardless of how much discomfort it causes OW?