Hi there everyone! It's my day off, and I've spend some time this morning looking at pictures my girls brought up on my computer over the last 10 years in this house.
They mainly were taken about 5 to 6 years ago, when XH MLC was starting.
The pictures of XH were startling. He looked so damn miserable and unhappy. As I looked at them, I could see how is misery was just escalating. As I look at those pictures I can see how the house was in such a mess, one thing he complained about a few years later. One reason he said he needed to leave.
I guess what Im realizing now, is how I was different back then compared to how I've grown now. Back then my only solution to his misery would have been to go into "fix it mode". We'll fix all these 101 things externally, and then we will be happy.
Now, if I saw the same man that miserable today, I'd just tell him it was time for him to leave and work on himself! I would say it's clear being here in our home is making all of us miserable. You're miserable because you're searching for some inner peace that you will never find until you travel a journey only you can take. It's miserable for us because you've become mean, nasty, irritable, and isolated. Go, Be free, and let me know how you are from time to time.
I want to kick myself, because I didn't it that in me at the time. I think his MLC was a complete devastation for me because I was going through my own transition and grief, plus the stress of my mom, my one truest friend unexpectedly dying. My own world had been turned upside down too! All I was trying to do was survive emotionally, and take care of my kids and my house. The state he was in after the shooting as well was very devastating for him and us as a family too.
Dear God no wonder our marriage ended in a bitter end.
Kimmerz, We can go revisit the past, but it's the past and there's nothing we can do to change it. The what ifs, could have beens, would have beens, etc., would not have stopped his crisis. As for his complaints about the house being such a mess, well, it was an excuse, nothing more. He certainly wasn't looking within and asking himself the necessary questions that would have helped him figure things out at that time. He, like all of them, will find excuses, be it a messy house, you served bagged salad, you were too thin or too fat, you don't wear heels, etc. The list goes on and on w/excuses. What we all have done, and it's perfectly normal for us, is that we pretzeled ourselves trying to make things better and keep them happy. We took on the heavy baggage and, yes, we all drank from the pitcher of kool aid that they offered up. You are far wiser now and will decline that glass of kool aid, not matter if it's got ice in the glass or not.
It's good to go back and revisit the past. It helps us to see just how far we've come. The shock and devastation that we went thru was like a war for many of us. You both were going thru your own individual modes of crisis. Sometimes that happens to couples and it's not pretty by any means.
You need to accept that you did the best you could w/what you had to work w/at that time. Leave the past back there. Focus on the present as this is a gift and one that you can improve on each and every day. We are all very lucky because we are survivors, not victims. We all got stronger and far more wiser than we ever were. Take your knowledge and pay it forward, if not here, in the real world. There are many who could use a smile or a kind word to brighten up their day.
Keep the focus on you and your girls. They are at that age whereby they will be watching, listening and learning from you each and every day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job, Thank you for reminding me of that damn Kool Aide cocktail that the Dark Lord fed to me and I lapped up for a while!
I guess I still try and process all that has gone on in the last 4 years. It's only been 4 years since we separated and he moved out. Divorced only 3 years.
When he starts acting "normal" it's like Im waking up from a flipping nightmare, and I can't believe how he was acting. It's like I need to do a reality check all over again. Yep. He did all that! It wasn't a nightmare! You are not crazy Kimmerz! It really happened!
I've taken all I've learned, and I feel Im helping a friend at work that's going through the same thing with her husband of 26 years. She's going through a divorce. He started going bonkers MLC style, had affairs, yet claims he still loves her but won't leave this "spring chicken" that he managed to get pregnant, and kept it secret for a year. Ok the Koolaide he tries to get my friend to drink makes my XH look like a beginner. I encourage my friend to not buy into this crap, and to stand strong. Our stories are similar. And honestly I feel good that I survived this, so I can be of some support to someone else.
I feel for her because I see the pain, confusion, hurt, but the will to keep moving on from this man, just as I went through. I know she will be Ok.
In regards to my girls, I think I've finally let go of the anger and resentment I've harbored toward EX H in abandoning us, and leaving me to raise them on my own. I was so worried that I was going to screw them up by not being the perfect mom. But I did ok! Im ok doing this on my own now. We got through this together! And I must've done something right because my girls are so happy and doing so well!
Thanks for posting. I am about about a year after BD. Just finished a legal separation and financial settlement. The crazy continues but now I feel a little more secure stepping aside.
The part where you said that "he acts like nothing has happened while you are screaming inside." --- That is exactly how I feel. Luckily he lives so far away and has forgotten he is a dad. Rarely contacts D19 and D16 won't speak to him without a real conversation.
We are doing well. The girls are thriving but I feel utterly destroyed inside. Trying to rebuild our lives....you know and you've helped me by sharing. Thank you so much!
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
