Communication with the kids is a big issue for me now. I'm torn on how to handle it. Common sense tells me MCS's idea is probably ideal for building a good relationship with the children. That's a lot of contact with the Ex though.
Mozza, do you want to communicate more with your EX? I handle the kid time with mom the same way you do. I don't tell her what we're up to and I don't ask what they're up to. Ex sends pics and if I reply it's always something simple like "cute". Unless it's a selfie of her with the kids. Those never get a reply.
How do you guys handle birthdays? Events that are attended by people who helped support the Ex?
I would love to see more discussion on this.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Yeah, i think this is going to be one that we just have different opinions. However, thank you for reminding me that other approaches are not necessarily wrong, just different.
Closer,
Holidays/Birthdays we've never discussed how to handle. It's all based on how she feels at the moment and even if we agree, she changes her mind at the last second. Take Easter for instance. When she asked me the other week what I thought, I said it was her time with the kids and while I didn't like it, that's part of what has happened. Well she said today she will drop them off Easter afternoon. I replied back "thanks for considering Easter, I have plans jn the morning and afternoon and would prefer if you could drop them off closer to 5pm" sh then replied "I will drop them off Monday morning then." Same thing happened with D4's birthday, we were going to go out as a family (this was the weekend after fake Reconciling) then she said I couldn't see her, it was her day and then finally allowed me to take her out for lunch.
Anyway, I'm going to post another here based in style email back from WW. It's got me kinda fuming
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
well, backwards we go in our communication yet again.
We agreed the other week to go get taxes done together. I sent an email telling her the appointment time. She replied that she will not be going and will do hers herself.
Also, based on the email earlier, I said that I had an appt with L in the beginning of May and said I would like to hold off talking Sep. Agreement until after that time (more on the house.) She replied back that we were going to MC in order not to get L involved and as such she's cancelling MC because of my choice.
So, I'm not quite sure what is going on with her right now. We were talking just fine last week at MC about kids and such, she cancels this weeks MC, goes back on the plans that she asked me to make (taxes,) brings up custody and house stuff, and then tries to deflect back on me that I'm the one that's causing this?!?
When she picked up the kids today, I said "W, I'm available anytime to discuss your email." She said reply back in the email. I said, "W, here's another area that I'm going with your decision." She said," this is not my decision."
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS PERSON!?!
I know it's normal, but these huge swings in her attitude is just wearing me out. Like I said, I don't want to threaten her that if we can't talk about anything at all, I don't understand how we can jointly make decisions about our kids. I've procrastinated for months on the kid thing in order to see if she can improve communications, but it looks like I need to make decisions based on this being the norm if she wants to talk about it now.
Last edited by MCS; 04/04/1503:29 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
My WAW did the same thing. She'd interpret me doing exactly what we agreed on as hostility in some weird way, then talk about how she wanted to avoid legal battles but I guess that's the way I made it, etc.
Again and again. She'd complain about a bill that was going to be auto deducted from her bank account and it would overdraft her. I put money in. Then she complained that I was messing up her "proof of income" because the deposit I made would show her getting more support than she normally would which would disqualify her for government assistance she was applying for.
Seriously, I have text message exchanges that would blow your mind. It's so irrational you'd accuse me of falsifying them.
You just have to reach a point when you realize that in her eyes you're the unreasonable abusive insensitive jerk that tried to destroy her identity during the M and is still trying to as she is only attempting to "heal" from the damage that you've done.
Anything you do to try to change this perspective just shows you're crazy because only she can change that. At some point you just got to quit caring or even being judgmental about it. She's a human in the worst spot of her life, acting like it. Live and let live. But don't take it to heart.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
"At some point you just got to quit caring or even being judgmental about it. She's a human in the worst spot of her life, acting like it. Live and let live. But don't take it to heart."
Zues, you are so right with this wise comment. It helps me a lot to see H this way, and you describe the essence of detachment - which is very much a work in progress for me...
T x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You just have to reach a point when you realize that in her eyes you're the unreasonable abusive insensitive jerk that tried to destroy her identity during the M and is still trying to as she is only attempting to "heal" from the damage that you've done.
Anything you do to try to change this perspective just shows you're crazy because only she can change that. At some point you just got to quit caring or even being judgmental about it. She's a human in the worst spot of her life, acting like it. Live and let live. But don't take it to heart.
Thank-you for this Zues. This applies in so many situations on here. I feel like I need this reminder myself once a week.
Me:43, WW:45 2 Kids: 21,22 Married: 23 Years Bomb: 01/2015 Separate Bedrooms: 02/2015 She left: 03/2015
Same here. Your words ring so true. I'll reply back a little later, but wanted to say thanks.
I'm trying to slow this whole thing down so she doesn't force me to make decisions based on how she's acting right now, but unfortunately she wants to push things.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
