...and another WAS

[Burger]

I went with the DR book as well. I still re-read chapters when I have some down time.

I'm in a similar situation as you are. Just kind of waiting, I'm in limbo, I'm on the roller coaster of emotions.

I'm just moving forward with my GAL activities, continuing to learn more about relationships, doing some hard work on myself with a great therapist to make me better as a person. Trying to have patience and not pursue her.

Someone told me that I will 'just know' when it is time to truly let her go and move on.

[Pyrite]

I went with the DR book as well. I still re-read chapters when I have some down time.

I'm in a similar situation as you are. Just kind of waiting, I'm in limbo, I'm on the roller coaster of emotions.

I'm just moving forward with my GAL activities, continuing to learn more about relationships, doing some hard work on myself with a great therapist to make me better as a person. Trying to have patience and not pursue her.

Someone told me that I will 'just know' when it is time to truly let her go and move on.

I will start on this as soon as I get home.

VENTING!
It just sux that she was the one who left, broke her vows, shattered trust, reneged on commitment, subjected the whole family to this without even 1 MC session or discussion AND now it looks like she is gonna get everything she wanted. And then I (we) am(are) the ones left with pieces and pictures, left to therapy and fixing what is so wrong with us. In my case, likely kids taken away, blah blah. And I am supposed to forgive her? What is she doing for me? I have given up everything, and now I am supposed to ice it? For my own sanity?

[Burger]

Continue to vent on here! Let it go in this forum.

I had a very similar thought this morning actually: "How can she just give up without even trying?"

Part of this chapter is doing a lot of personal reflection for me to realize what part I played in the prior problems with the marriage. I have found times when I made her feel alone, neglected, insecure, and others. Most of these things I never realized I was doing at the time. She never communicated how I made her feel, and I never realized the problem. Not a good situation.

[Pyrite]

hi Burger,

I think I am aware of exactly the role I played here. I can understand that she was unhappy in the R, because I was too. Her unhappiness was a direct result of my unhappiness. That might not make much sense, and it doesn't to me either really. But it was the way it was,and we can't change that now. This is a good time to try, the kids are a bit older etc, but she chose a path out, a new R. She didn't communicate until it was too late. I didn't communicate well then, and clearly not well in the beginning either. Actually I tried in the beginning. And I was shutdown. Again, I could've/should've reacted differently......

my issue now is that she has moved on, and is taking everything with her. I've been very hands on father. more than 50% once she has gone back to work on both occasions. + 90% of the house work, 100% of all other family work.

I am really down. I woke up after a few hours sleep. Whilst this has been the worst time in my life ever, this morning I felt for the first time it was going to be a real struggle to get through the day was coming. Not just an anxiety crazed struggle. I just want to cry on my Mums's shoulder. I dont even care about my W anymore. She has taken my life away.

[MrBond]

Something seems to be missing in your story. You concentrate alot on what you perceive are your W's faults, calling her a "domestic pig", young, inexperienced, etc., while you paint your "faults" as being almost a noble thing. You said you were older, mentor, wiser, etc.

You really do have a low opinion of her. I can see why she would get turned off by you. To preface, we've seen MANY posters like yourself and take the same tone. You'll disagree and argue with the assessment, but it really doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your WIFE thinks.

Be honest now. How did you treat her. What were the NEGATIVE things that you did to contribute to your marital problems? I see that control was a big issue on your part. Give us specifics. It's only when you can brutally see yourself in the mirror and let it all out here can you get on the road to save your M.

[Pyrite]

I had a very similar thought this morning actually: "How can she just give up without even trying?"

in my case she "thinks" she did try. And she did I suppose, but she didn't consult me and so her version of trying was at best not constructive and at worst delivered as criticism. It may be different if we tried together, both focused on the same thing, the M. which we never did. .

But, I admit that things might have been too far gone for this even several months ago. What happened is that an opportunity presented it self that looked like the better alternative. Removed the unhappy relationship, no trying, new and exciting love maybe, who knows. All very human and even forgivable. In my view very short-sighted though. Especially with kids involved, very immature and selfish. But by the time it might've become an issue for her where leaving the marriage was real, or it was a sitch where a decision had to be made, she was already so far down that path that turning back was impossible. Maybe the love was simply gone. And that is how we can look at it.

Still it doesn't change where I am. She is pulling the strings. She has moved on to create the life she wants. Forgiveness, GAL, detach, etc ALL not an issue for her. She has everything. And I am left with nothing. Well a few percent of what I had.

Optimists might point out that I am less an unhappy R. And the opportunity of a future happy R. But right now, and I suppose for the last few years I would put up with the status of the R for full time w my kids etc. And always promise of fixing what was once a beautiful R. I dont want to go forward. I want go backward. Forward doesn't look very nice, even GAL. Chances are it won't include my kids anymore than every 2nd weekend. I am realistically faced with taking the best of the worst. and this doesn't seem like much of a life even with a thousand hobbies in between.

[Pyrite]

thankyou Mr Bond. I think there is certainly truth to what you are saying. I'll reply further later after I have thought more. I have to go for now.

[Pyrite]

Be honest now. How did you treat her. What were the NEGATIVE things that you did to contribute to your marital problems?

In the last few years I have treated her badly. You’ll get no argument from here on that point. I feel terrible. I did even at the time. It got to a point where I couldn’t even help it when I tried. Part of the reason I didn't defend myself when BD, was that I deserved it. All I asked for was to please return to her stance of a week earlier. I couldn't understand how everything changed so rapidly. Then OM occurred to me. From her response I pieced it together though. She was way over me when BD. She was wrestling with her own demons over ending the M. It also explained why she was SO angry. However badly I treated her over the years though, she made up for it then. She made me repeat to make sure I heard her properly. “Our 2nd child was no more than a sibling for the first. She didn’t want a child with me.” etc etc. And this was 2 years ago. Anyway, as I said, I deserved it. I was so convinced of it (and still am) that when I did finally emerged and told other people, I told them that I was the sole reason, argued it even.

Other people reminded me that it is unlikely that I was 100% to blame. “What did you do?” I treated her badly. “Why?” “But you didn't used to be such a prick, what happened”. I have discussed this already but can repeat if you wish. I wish I had’ve reacted differently, but that’s where I was at the time.

I see that control was a big issue on your part. Give us specifics. It's only when you can brutally see yourself in the mirror and let it all out here can you get on the road to save your M.

Control. Hmmm. I have my own ideas of how I might be controlling, but what gives it away for you. In reality I never directed her to do anything. I did push my own agenda to some degree, but really no more than anyone does. Paranoiacally though I wonder if I started the R with her because I could control her (being young and naaive), BUT one thing that came out in aftermath of BD was how I pushed her to increase her command of English and awareness of current affairs etc. I witnessed many times in our early years people taking advantage of her naivety and I just wanted her to stand up for herself. She was not stupid, and it wasn't being fair on herself to let people form that opinion. And they did, I know this for a fact. Now look what i’ve done, I’ve created a monster. Thats what i meant by mentor, and actually she used the term, not me.

Something seems to be missing in your story. You concentrate alot on what you perceive are your W's faults, calling her a "domestic pig", young, inexperienced, etc., while you paint your "faults" as being almost a noble thing. You said you were older, mentor, wiser, etc.

She was a pig, she’ll admit that. She was a young 20. I was an old 30. In no way was it a fault. An incompatibility perhaps. All of those faults were trivial anyway in comparison. The real pain started when she admitted that I wasn’t a high priority for her. Several years ago while I was immersed in my PhD, she wanted to leave me. She went away for a week, I made a big effort, and we were OK again. I felt we were back there, and just recently she admitted we were.

You really do have a low opinion of her. I can see why she would get turned off by you.

It certainly comes across that way ATM. And there are elements of that in my bad treatment of her in recent times, and now. I have no patience with her.

To preface, we've seen MANY posters like yourself and take the same tone. You'll disagree and argue with the assessment, but it really doesn't matter what YOU think. It matters what your WIFE thinks.

After the last three months I would bet my life that you cant hurt my feelings. I wish I could talk to my wife about what she thinks. In aftermath of BD she asked me why I love her. I asked her the same and among responses was that I had always listened to her and acted on any of her concerns. I admit that I lost that.

[Pyrite]

DR on the way . Just an update on the "controlling" Mr. Bond: -

was reading over on Zues' thread - and the controlling aspect of an intense personality i think applies to my sitch. i subjected W to standards I didn't expect of anyone else.

[Pyrite]

just checked - that's 6/6 mortgage repayments screwed up by the WAS, totally preoccupied with her happiness. All the finances are being screwed. I organised mediation to discuss custody issues. I was hoping for more participation/co-operation on her part as it was an issue with our children, but so far, not a good response.

I have been told (by W) to keep our contact to business only and be professional. which is reasonable. but she is not helping matters. It seems she has done nothing but push my buttons since BD at every turn.

I flip every minute about whether I want to do this or not, save my M. does anyone else think this is crazy? The person is saying I want x? and we're thinking, nah - your just confused. wait till you see the new me. maybe she just wants x. I know my friend who was a WAH just wanted x, and now is very happy.
actually, damn, just thought of 3 more cases of WAS's enjoying their new M/R.