Hi there everyone! It's my day off, and I've spend some time this morning looking at pictures my girls brought up on my computer over the last 10 years in this house.
They mainly were taken about 5 to 6 years ago, when XH MLC was starting.
The pictures of XH were startling. He looked so damn miserable and unhappy. As I looked at them, I could see how is misery was just escalating. As I look at those pictures I can see how the house was in such a mess, one thing he complained about a few years later. One reason he said he needed to leave.
I guess what Im realizing now, is how I was different back then compared to how I've grown now. Back then my only solution to his misery would have been to go into "fix it mode". We'll fix all these 101 things externally, and then we will be happy.
Now, if I saw the same man that miserable today, I'd just tell him it was time for him to leave and work on himself! I would say it's clear being here in our home is making all of us miserable. You're miserable because you're searching for some inner peace that you will never find until you travel a journey only you can take. It's miserable for us because you've become mean, nasty, irritable, and isolated. Go, Be free, and let me know how you are from time to time.
I want to kick myself, because I didn't it that in me at the time. I think his MLC was a complete devastation for me because I was going through my own transition and grief, plus the stress of my mom, my one truest friend unexpectedly dying. My own world had been turned upside down too! All I was trying to do was survive emotionally, and take care of my kids and my house. The state he was in after the shooting as well was very devastating for him and us as a family too.
Dear God no wonder our marriage ended in a bitter end.
