the feeling of him having one foot on the door forever the intense emotional reliance on an ex feeling emotionally drained the final fight where things get physical having hope for H to love me and fight for me, when he obviously doesn't think much of me
You sound like a tremendously hard worker, resourceful and smart. Even if you made mistakes, you deserve a partner who wants to be with you and what you bring to the table. It's not your fault. You can be the first to change, sure. Just try to not blame yourself or go chasing after him in any way.
My IC offered a vision of hope for the future - a partner that walks beside you on a path, not one that you are dragging along as he's digging his heels in.
Before my H came back to try for our M, he'd also made a similar comment - 'Z, I'm not saying we'll never be together again, but this isn't working for me right now." You know what? If it's "more of the same" from him, he can shove it.
I hope you see what you've tolerated for so long and ask yourself what you are no longer willing to give up for your M - I read your letter. There's nothing in it about how his EA have hurt you, the neglect and minimization of you, and what you would need from him, is there? If you are truly D, it is a moot point. But boundaries are important.
This forum has been a god send. Idk about others, but the biggest thing for me is the insight others bring to my sitch - it's hard to see what's in front of our faces sometimes, too many details in the trees to see the forest. And our friends and family can be too close also, and burdened.
Love yourself, NLS. Welcome, lots of good people are here for you.
I went to lunch with an older friend yesterday, and she told me stories of how her H had cheated on her for 20 some years and she turned a blind eye bc she wanted to. When she finally had enough - she met the love of her life and has been married to him for 10 years. He respects her (and she respects herself now), he builds her up instead of tearing her down.
There is happiness out there!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
