a young man with hope II

[lnlyshp]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. It makes me feel great that so many of you took the time out of your day to address my ramblings and provide such great support. Thank you mahhhty for checking up on me.

I'm still here - sometimes I just find it hard to post on this site. I've been actively avoiding thinking or talking about my sitch. I think its likely a subconscious effort to pull myself out of depression, but it could possibly be that I'm still in some form of denial. Better to be on autopilot than to be sad all the time, I guess. That's probably counterproductive but I just couldn't keep dwelling on it. I realize that the "solution" is to face my problems and revert back to my original motivation of getting healthy, GAL, and keeping a PMA - the problem now is finding the drive. She isn't going to come back no matter what I do. The bridge is burnt.

S seems to be doing good. His mother took him to go see his cousin in another town who had to have hernia surgery and they all went to the zoo. She suggested that the two of us take him to the aquarium for his birthday because the fish were his favorite part. I think he will have a lot of fun.

Things between she & I have been up and down. Somedays she will sit outside with me for a few minutes when I pick him up and I will try and make her laugh. Somedays she will text me funny pictures of him (which I usually don't respond to). Typically interactions between us range from positive to neutral and when they are neutral, it is because of me. I will show up to pick up S, quietly tuck him in the car and speak only when necessary - not angrily, just calmly and quietly. On those days, I just want to get him and go because I am hurting.

We had a bit of a spat the other day. She was dropping hints about going over to see her friend on Saturday. I asked her if she was going to ask me to switch or just continue to drop hints, which I feel is a manipulative act on her part. My thinking is that she won't ask so that if I volunteer to switch on my own - she won't have had to ask me for anything and if I don't, she can just go on assuming I would have said no anyway. We both get angry and some harsh things are said. Eventually we work it out to a calmer place, but I called later that night to apologize. I think we are okay now. But one line in particular sticks out to me. I told her through text, "I don't understand why things can't be good between us all of the time," to which she responded "Me either".

Oh well.
- ship