Alpha One, Alpha All #

[alpha99]

I picked the kids up this morning and have them now until Sunday morning. It still feels strange W not being around to complete our family. I am thrilled to have them of course.

When I went to pick them up W was smiley and friendly. Her face was red just like when she has scrubbed off make up from her face. It stood out as odd. Maybe it was nothing. I certainly didn't ask. Turns out FIL was there but upstairs setting up the kids' bunk beds. He didn't come down to say hello etc.

We only talked for a minute or two. W seems content with herself, seems to have her family at her beck and call to run her errands if need be. At this point I feel I am an unnecessary spare part. Our conversation was only child related, was pleasant enough, and I made sure to end it and leave first. Only when as I was leaving and she mentioned dropping the kids off at MIL's did she say that I had a funny look on my face. I probably did. I don't look forward to having to do that. I didn't make a big deal of saying goodbye - no waving etc. W had already kissed and said goodbye to the kids, so we just left and said 'see you.'

A moment earlier S6 bashed into a cupboard door just as we were leaving. W got angry at him and told him to 'just go.'

I can't help but wonder whether she has noticed that the pursuit has ended. Maybe there hasn't been enough time passed yet. Maybe she doesn't care. She certainly gives the impression that she's happy as she is and also the impression that no pressure from me just means she can live her life without the hassle. I know this might seem too W focused but what takes a bit to write out are just passing thoughts throughout the day.

I have been to the park with the kids, to the supermarket, had them pick out some treats from the shop, played games, watched science videos on youtube, had tea, and now just resting for a bit before we play some more.

I guess the point of this post is that we seemed to have reached a point whereby we have an arrangement over the kids but there is zero talk of anything else. I suppose that is a relief after all the emotional upheaval recently. I know I am being impatient. I see some sign of improvement overall and I want things to be completely better right now. They can't be. I know that. I know I have to have patience, pull back, no R talk, GAL, and so on. I guess I just want her to see sense, that we are/were a family, that things could be better than ever if we just gave it a go. I know she doesn't see it like that right now. She may never see it like that again. I just feel a little frustrated now, that's all.