Confused and mix messages. Part 3

[Cherry]

So h comes and asks me if me and baby want to go out today with him. We go out, I act confident, chilled and more like the old me. We have a laugh together, I pay compliments where I see necessary, I'm flirty and sassy. He does relax and mirrors my mood- we have a laugh together, flirty and being a little suggestive with each other. He once again brings up counselling and asking me to please arrange it. He brings up the R talk AGAIN. I can't dodge it, so I make sure to listen and validate. He asks me why I feel I need time before he files- like what am I hoping will happen. I say that I just don't see why we should Rush this, and I just need time to get my head around what he wants.
He tells me things like how he has been working hard to switch his mind from thinking of my sexually. And no longer has those thoughts- but says it's been difficult and has masturbated thinking about me..
I did spew a little there and say if we have these thoughts about each other is this not a reason to work on stuff. Again I calmly told him where I feel I failed him, eg took for granted, should of had time together. He said that is in my head, and that I have done nothing wrong- this is just the way he is feeling.
He says how we are always going to be a part of one another's lives.

He said he appreciated I was honest with him, and hoped that I wouldn't get upset. To be honest I did feel like getting upset. I smiled and told him I was completely fine- smiled, made it look convincing- he did looked shocked a little. This was definitely a 180 for me. I thought I would come on here and vent.

I know I did mess up and spewed a bit. I get worried maybe he isn't wayward- and maybe not in a fog, but these are just genuine feelings. But then at the same time he contradicts himself. Why would you want sex with someone and find them attractive and not want to be with them. He has well and truly put me in the friend box.

He will be out all night, he told me his weekend plans, I thanked him for letting me know. I know I need to do some serious DB ing. I feel like I've messed stuff up. The situation just seems so difficult. Then I guess I should count my blessings we can still talk, and in the same house.

This hurts , really hurts. Sort of looking forward to him going out so I can maybe weep it out a little. Think I might research some more into my trip. Time away to make memories with my baby will do me the world of good I'm sure.