Errod, I'm sorry to hear that. But hey listen - your W isn't playing head games. From her perspective, she has checked out of the M and sees herself 'free' to pursue OM. She actually isn't doing this to hurt with you or mess with your head, she's reaching out to someone else to make herself feel better. OM makes her feel great about herself right now.
It's a destructive choice of course, and that is why most A's unravel. If you can, it is best to work towards a place that you can accept this as it is for now. It's not great that your W is in a hotel with another man - but it 'is' what is happening right now - and there isn't much you can do about that.
The main thing is to look after yourself and your D as best you can today. Difficult circumstances, but you will get through this.
((Errod))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Vanilla I agree with you. They both own their own houses and both of them have D's my W and I have D14 and he has a D17. But both the D's go to other parents house for part of the week but they still only hang out at hotels 40 minutes away in another state.
I know I can't believe him but he told me that I will never see them together and she will never be his girlfriend. He never said he wouldn't use her a booty call which is what he is doing.
Sandi2 if you are out there, I know I have frustrated you before with my actions, but now that I know she is in an A, I am willing to listen you. My situation sounds exactly like yours in reverse. I really need to get into your head from the time period you situation happened.
I was her only date, only kiss, only everything, it is heartbreaking to know that the next guy is able to use her as a hotel toy. There is not a person in this world that would think she would of ever stooped to this. But at the same time she left me because of her insecurities and this old guy made her feel like she was a queen.
The hardest part for me is this all came out full blown on Easter week. Easter was the day 19 years ago her parents threw her out. I was hoping there was still some emotion left in her with the significance of Easter. But then again if she can betray me she has no else to worry about disappointing. She has no family.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Your WW allows this, because she is in an A and it is something for her that she wants. That was her choice, it happened because she chose it. Not because you didn't notice her new hairdo or tell her she was attractive. You did not cause this, you can't control nor cure it. Going wayward was WW decision and once made then the addiction took hold. Whether OM is a prince amount men deeply in love or a scuzz, WW is invested. Luckily he is the scuzz because eventually WW will cease her addiction and see it. As burn out and in the long run (18mnths to 2 years) and who wants to be with a scuzz?
The one thing you can do is work on you, that is the thing that you have got choices about. What you do is about Errod, About resolving how Errod is and behaves. Error can resolve his issues. Error can create for himself a future which gives his a great M environment. Error can manage Errod and his sitch.
So Errod, what is your plan for you?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/03/1510:10 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
First thing I need to do is stop protecting W. I really have been keeping everything in. I do not go out because I didn't want people to notice us not together or even tell family or close friends about the situation, in hopes that everything would work out and no one would feel different about her. But in protecting her I was killing myself.
Secondly I have to GAL, I need to do what makes me happy at that moment.
I have to make sure all D14's needs are being met because she is not taking any of this well.
I need this D to go through quickly now because as of right now she has me at her mercy financially. She can suffocate me at anytime.
The hard part is we do have a very active D14, W and I are going to be intertwined and have to see each other multiple times a week. If not everyday.
Another thing is she knows D14 wants to live with me 100%, so I don't know what she will do to try to prevent that. I worry about D14's safety when she is there, but when I talked to my attorney he said I need to fix myself before I can go and battle her to get full custody. That is the main reason I am getting counseling, so I can be totally capable to take care of D14.
I will never truly get over my W. You don't start with someone at 17 and make it 19 years and are ever able to fully stop loving them. Yes I will be able to go on with life and even live a happy life, but there is a scar that will never go away.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
I like all of this apart from the last. I would ask that you replace " need" and "have to" with "can" and "will" and repost using those more powerful words. This gives you the option and removes the beating of yourself. There is an expression have you "should" on yourself today? There has been enough of Errod punishing, time for Errod self love and care.
You can "get over" W if you chose it. You can choose to remember the good stuff with fondness. There are no scars in emotions only states. You are only cattle branded with a WW if you want to be, instead think of a tattoo, it can fade and lasers can remove almost all of it. Keep your power.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 04/03/1510:42 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla thank you so much. You really have been a big help.
The hardest thing is I still haven't given up on us 100%. Yes there has been a ton of damage, but I am not ready to take my ball and run home yet.
Of course all that may be based off me sitting around doing nothing. Once I start GAL, I may see things in a different light. I may find that our relationship was unhealthy and I just wanted it because it was the known. Those are all things only time will tell. But at the same time I will never know if I don't start GAL.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Go back and read through your threads. You have received all the advice you need to move very far down the road you say you want to be on, you have just lacked the resolve to actually follow that advice. Nothingelse will change until you accept reality for what it is and make the commitment to YOURSELF that the time is NOW.
There are no magic words. You have to decide and commit.
Best of luck to you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I just finished rereading everything. There was a lot of good advice in there. The concerning part is how far I fell. I saw a lot of missed opportunities.
The thing I did that has improved my mental condition, may very be the straw that broke the camels back. So that is a little hard to deal with.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
