Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

Interesting. My H was also very into volunteering. Wanted to help neighbors build their docks, wrote fuzzy little signs at our club, 'help make xyz a better place!'

My father was a classic narc, with all the bravado and consistent signs to match. My H, I chose him bc he was his polar opposite.

I've come to see my H as simply childlike, emotionally under-cooked. Had the instincts and needs of a grown man, but was drawn to the volunteer nice-guy cookie baking stuff bc it feels nice to have people like you, and there's no real responsibility for that stuff and you can proudly tell people what you're doing with your time - helping others! He was forgetful and unable to take initiative in his work endeavors, and would tantrum openly or privately if criticized about it. Never had any real dreams for his education or plans for future, just wanted an untroubled life as far as I can tell. The need to work and present as an adult agitated him and he'd make short term attempts.

I think he was self-centered and lazy, even before his accident. Of course, I give credit for the degree of life changing accident it was. He will always be in pain and unable to go back to the high level physical athlete he was. His PTSD is no doubt real (he was fully conscious as he slammed into the back of a semi at 70mph and until the ER put him out), but it's not as debilitating as he'd have you believe.

Some have told me he is just angry and resentful at the world, that maybe he will sort this out.

My H is a beautiful, graceful man who I loved more than any other I was ever with. He would make me breakfast and sing to me, and hundreds of other little things that make me want to have hope. I love that he was sensitive and not afraid to cry at a movie. I loved that he was so supportive of me and my business, the things he would build me and all his enthusiasm for my passions. I loved that - as long as weren't fighting - the conversations we could get into, we could dig really deep. I loved his abstract thinking and how gentle he generally was. Even when he came home and we started piecing, I loved that he could just listen to me and rub my back if I was having a hard day. But that hard day usually started from some nasty aside he'd make about me.

It's just so hard to make sense out of any of this. But I know that I saw the parts of him I loved less frequently in the end.