Confused 4

[Joe46]

Could not sleep this morning. Woke up and my mind started racing! It is funny, ever since I saw the post from Sandi with the comment " frankly my dear, I don't give a ...." I have been watching one of my other favorite movies with Clark Gable. The Tall Men! Great western. I grew up in a big city, moved to the mountains with a friend when I was 17. Met a friend whose family took me in and has raised me as their own all these years. I spent all those years ranching. I became tough inside and out. I stuck to myself. I also became a tad wild. I lived that cowboy lifestyle. I had several relationships, but was mostly on my own. I sobered up Feb 1995. Have not drank since. I learned to change my thinking some. I became confident, strong, caring and most of all honorable. I worked several ranches over the years living alone with my dogs. I never figured I would meet anyone and get married. I was a rancher that lived alone and did not drink. My brother introduced me to the internet and chat rooms one night when I visited home. It was nice, I was able to talk to other people. I never pretended to be anyone but myself. I met several women through there. A couple dates. Than one night my W found me. We chatted alot. Had alot in common. Turned to phone conversations. It was easy to talk for 3 or 4 hours a night.

Eventually she came to visit and than live with me. I bonded well with her kids. We all enjoyed spending time together. We moved several times to different ranches over the years. I had a hard time completely opening up my heart to her. I tried my best. I loved her, but I did not know how to properly show her. I did not want her to see me as soft(if that makes sense). My biological parents got divorced when I young. Never had a good relationship with any of them. I never had a good role model for how to love your wife. I think deep down, because of the hurt inside, I never fully trusted anyone. I believe I put up a guard around my heart. She was slowly breaking through over the years. At 3 years together we had a daughter together. That really softened my guard. At 4 years we got married. I took care and loved all the kids equal. To me they are all my kids. Over the years, we had alot of episodes with my stepkids. Sometimes it was very trying. I did my best to father them. I love them and hurt for them. I undertood some of what they went through. S19 went through hell his junior year. School problems, emotional, cutting. I had to put him in a youth clinic for a week to get help. I spent one night searching through town because he ran away. Everyone in town was looking for him. We lived 30 miles away at the time. I remember being on the phone with W crying because I could not find her S. I was afraid we were going to find him dead somewhere. It was the one time my wife heard me break down real bad.

I often wonder if W started losing some of her attraction to me when I quit ranching. We both decided to change out lifestyle so we would have more time with the kids. Youngest son was born. We really started to become very close. I think having more time as a family brought our relationship closer. For the first 6 years everything seemed fine. We were struggling financially after W lost her job, but we were happy. I really started opening my heart up to her by now. We had been through alot together. I felt safe with her. I began noticing small changes a couple years ago. Just small comments about our financial troubles. A few small things about our relationship. But we always talked through them. I know I did not listen like I would now. But I did listen, I just did not know how to change. How to make her feel more loved and happy. About a year ago, the changes really started coming. This was when S19 was getting ready to graduate. He wasn't home much at all. Staying in town with friends. This is the same time job started. Our problems started to. I just could not understand how someone that loved me would just ignore my feelings about this job and the hurt that came from it. It wasn't like I was coming to her and saying I am unhappy in our relationship and you are ignoring me. I was saying to her, no matter what I have done, I am hurt, angry and betrayed that you are doing this with other men and lying to me all the time.

When I think back about how I was, sometimes I miss my old self right now. Not the controlling, angry my way or no way attitude. But the strong, confident, honorable man I was. I was that guy that would say" frankly my dear, I don't give a ....". But not in a non sensitive way. More like I am moving this way with my life, if you can be trustworthy, honorable, caring and stand by my side, I would love for you to come along. If not than have a good life and I wish you well. Of course things are more complicated with kids. When I think of us possibly divorcing, I think of my stepkids. They are grown. But it will still hurt them to have their mom divorced again. I think about our kids together. I don't want to put them through that kind of pain. I am already concerned for both of them and dealing with depression like I do. Sometimes, I wonder what I am teaching them by standing while W conducts this type of business here. And who knows what else. She has always put alot of effort into her jobs. But never like this. Even the days she is supposed to take off, she works. Always has some excuse. I have gotten to where I just ignore it.

I occasionally see glimpses of the woman I knew. Just like yesterday. She looked at me when we talked. She told me about the kids. She talked to me about going to my parents for Easter. We even laughed together about a few things. I miss the woman who talked to me all day. I miss the woman who I playfully wrestled with. I miss the woman who put her kids and family before anything. I miss the happy, smiling woman I used to walk in the door and see cooking. The one who I would give a big hug to and she would smell the aftershave on my neck. The one that used to communicate everything with me because we were best friends and a couple.

Sorry for the long post. Like I said, my mind was racing. I needed to vent to someone and right now this forum is my friend.