This stuff is really not helping my heart. I am going to the doctor today because of small pains. The anti anxiety medicine is helping alot, but I still feel something going on.
Wonka, Thank You for responding. I will answer your questions over here on this new thread so the other one does not get locked.
"Joe,
A couple of questions here for you to consider:
1. Family intervention for what purpose? Who are the family members in your head for this so-called 'intervention'?
2. Can you please explain what prompted you to feel the need to write a letter to W?
3. How long have you been DBing?"
Family intervention to hopefully get W to see how her behavior ( job, internet addiction, lying, workaholic) is affecting our family, family safety and marriage. Family members would be older sons and older D. Older D is already involved. The intervention was brought up one here once and a friend of mine also.
What prompted me to possibly write a letter to W, is before V even said anything, I have thought she is having some kind of affair. Her job to me is a form of infidelity. I have been actual DBing for about 2 months now. I have been dealing with this behavior from W for 9 months. I feel I deserve to be happy. I feel like I have no idea how I can ever trust W again. I feel like it is time to move on. I feel like there is no way W will ever want to reconcile and would never go to MC or IC.
I also have a feeling W is getting ready to visit her possible A partner in May when she goes to see her family. She has lied to me before about having to go help her dad. I don't want to be with a cheater. Technically we are separated right now even though we still live together. When she left her first husband, she told me that she started messing around when she got back home. She figured she was done so she thought she would do what she wanted. If she plans to do the same thing, I am done.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Bringing this over here from your previous thread:
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Caught this comment:
Originally Posted By: Joe I have also decided that if she goes down there and does see someone else or anything of that nature, my M will be done.
Is W having an A a deal breaker for you, Joe?
Originally Posted By: Joe406
Yes W having an A is deal breaker for me. I have dealt with years of lies. An A will be the end. I am tired of living this kind of life and all the drama!
Thank you Wonka! I am not good at the quoting thing.
I feel like I don't have much self respect ever since this drama has started. I never was like this before. Plus I never had reasons to not trust my wife before. I used to be confident and strong. Since all this started, I don't feel that way. I want to be my old self!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thank you, Joe. A few more questions, if you don't mind.
1. What types of jobs did your W have in the past?
2. What was the duration of each job?
3. What is W's current job? I think it is some kind of phone sex, correct?
4. How, when, and where did you first meet W?
5. What were the circumstances that brought you and W together?
Thank you for helping Wonka. I am having one of those days. Need some help and people to talk to.
W worked at a sports equipment store, western wear store, vet assistant, assisted living nurse. She ran her own tanning salon. She has worked from home alot. Selling things, jewelry, scented things.
Sports equipment about 1-1/2 years, western wear about 8 months, vet assistant about 2 years, assisted living nurse about 1 year, tanning salon about a year. She has mostly worked from home.
Yes w's current job is phone sex operator/ dispatcher.
I first met my W online back when they had the AOL chat rooms. We started talking and than talked on the phone for about 5-6 months. Than she came to visit. Than moved up to live with me.
We talked so much on the phone, it was crazy. I never felt so comfortable with someone. We had alot in common. We just clicked. When she moved up here, we had our issues, but we got along VERY well. Spent alot of time together. I have never felt so comfortable and happy to be with someone. Her kids and I bonded right away.
Last edited by Joe406; 04/02/1511:09 PM.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Could not sleep this morning. Woke up and my mind started racing! It is funny, ever since I saw the post from Sandi with the comment " frankly my dear, I don't give a ...." I have been watching one of my other favorite movies with Clark Gable. The Tall Men! Great western. I grew up in a big city, moved to the mountains with a friend when I was 17. Met a friend whose family took me in and has raised me as their own all these years. I spent all those years ranching. I became tough inside and out. I stuck to myself. I also became a tad wild. I lived that cowboy lifestyle. I had several relationships, but was mostly on my own. I sobered up Feb 1995. Have not drank since. I learned to change my thinking some. I became confident, strong, caring and most of all honorable. I worked several ranches over the years living alone with my dogs. I never figured I would meet anyone and get married. I was a rancher that lived alone and did not drink. My brother introduced me to the internet and chat rooms one night when I visited home. It was nice, I was able to talk to other people. I never pretended to be anyone but myself. I met several women through there. A couple dates. Than one night my W found me. We chatted alot. Had alot in common. Turned to phone conversations. It was easy to talk for 3 or 4 hours a night.
Eventually she came to visit and than live with me. I bonded well with her kids. We all enjoyed spending time together. We moved several times to different ranches over the years. I had a hard time completely opening up my heart to her. I tried my best. I loved her, but I did not know how to properly show her. I did not want her to see me as soft(if that makes sense). My biological parents got divorced when I young. Never had a good relationship with any of them. I never had a good role model for how to love your wife. I think deep down, because of the hurt inside, I never fully trusted anyone. I believe I put up a guard around my heart. She was slowly breaking through over the years. At 3 years together we had a daughter together. That really softened my guard. At 4 years we got married. I took care and loved all the kids equal. To me they are all my kids. Over the years, we had alot of episodes with my stepkids. Sometimes it was very trying. I did my best to father them. I love them and hurt for them. I undertood some of what they went through. S19 went through hell his junior year. School problems, emotional, cutting. I had to put him in a youth clinic for a week to get help. I spent one night searching through town because he ran away. Everyone in town was looking for him. We lived 30 miles away at the time. I remember being on the phone with W crying because I could not find her S. I was afraid we were going to find him dead somewhere. It was the one time my wife heard me break down real bad.
I often wonder if W started losing some of her attraction to me when I quit ranching. We both decided to change out lifestyle so we would have more time with the kids. Youngest son was born. We really started to become very close. I think having more time as a family brought our relationship closer. For the first 6 years everything seemed fine. We were struggling financially after W lost her job, but we were happy. I really started opening my heart up to her by now. We had been through alot together. I felt safe with her. I began noticing small changes a couple years ago. Just small comments about our financial troubles. A few small things about our relationship. But we always talked through them. I know I did not listen like I would now. But I did listen, I just did not know how to change. How to make her feel more loved and happy. About a year ago, the changes really started coming. This was when S19 was getting ready to graduate. He wasn't home much at all. Staying in town with friends. This is the same time job started. Our problems started to. I just could not understand how someone that loved me would just ignore my feelings about this job and the hurt that came from it. It wasn't like I was coming to her and saying I am unhappy in our relationship and you are ignoring me. I was saying to her, no matter what I have done, I am hurt, angry and betrayed that you are doing this with other men and lying to me all the time.
When I think back about how I was, sometimes I miss my old self right now. Not the controlling, angry my way or no way attitude. But the strong, confident, honorable man I was. I was that guy that would say" frankly my dear, I don't give a ....". But not in a non sensitive way. More like I am moving this way with my life, if you can be trustworthy, honorable, caring and stand by my side, I would love for you to come along. If not than have a good life and I wish you well. Of course things are more complicated with kids. When I think of us possibly divorcing, I think of my stepkids. They are grown. But it will still hurt them to have their mom divorced again. I think about our kids together. I don't want to put them through that kind of pain. I am already concerned for both of them and dealing with depression like I do. Sometimes, I wonder what I am teaching them by standing while W conducts this type of business here. And who knows what else. She has always put alot of effort into her jobs. But never like this. Even the days she is supposed to take off, she works. Always has some excuse. I have gotten to where I just ignore it.
I occasionally see glimpses of the woman I knew. Just like yesterday. She looked at me when we talked. She told me about the kids. She talked to me about going to my parents for Easter. We even laughed together about a few things. I miss the woman who talked to me all day. I miss the woman who I playfully wrestled with. I miss the woman who put her kids and family before anything. I miss the happy, smiling woman I used to walk in the door and see cooking. The one who I would give a big hug to and she would smell the aftershave on my neck. The one that used to communicate everything with me because we were best friends and a couple.
Sorry for the long post. Like I said, my mind was racing. I needed to vent to someone and right now this forum is my friend.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thanks for the answers to the questions and for the heartfelt post about your marriage and family.
It seems to me that your W is not able (or not interested) in holding down a job for the long-term based on what you wrote about her employment history. Does your W lose interest quickly?
Did your W enjoy the ranching lifestyle? Were there any complaints about ranching from W at all?
When you decided to change the ranching lifestyle....what jobs did you get for yourself?
One final question: when did W begin her current phone sex job? I may have missed it somewhere.
Sorry for these questions, but I am trying to gain a much clearer picture of your situation. This way, we will be able to offer some ideas and suggestions in DBing.
Thanks for the answers to the questions and for the heartfelt post about your marriage and family.
It seems to me that your W is not able (or not interested) in holding down a job for the long-term based on what you wrote about her employment history. Does your W lose interest quickly?
Did your W enjoy the ranching lifestyle? Were there any complaints about ranching from W at all?
When you decided to change the ranching lifestyle....what jobs did you get for yourself?
One final question: when did W begin her current phone sex job? I may have missed it somewhere.
Sorry for these questions, but I am trying to gain a much clearer picture of your situation. This way, we will be able to offer some ideas and suggestions in DBing.
Thank you Wonka for spending the time with me.
No my wife is not able to hold a job for very long. She is a Sagitarius like me. She gets needs change I think. I am no where near as bad as she is. I have been at my job almost 10 years. I am not sure if she actually loses interest or wants to do something better. Usually something happens that causes her to change employment. Sports equipment- moved Western wear- moved Vet assistant- fired Assisted living- pregnant/ health issues
I think the wife enjoyed the ranching lifestyle. She only complained because I could never get time off. And we lived so far from town. It was a mutual decision to leave that life. We have talked about all the things I would have missed if I was still ranching. I have asked her several times over the past few years if she wanted to go back to it and she said no. We both are kinda bummed our younger kids did not get to experience some of that life.
I decided to change that lifestyle over 10 years ago. At the time W had a good job as vet assistant. We figured with her salary and me doing construction, we would have a good life. I went to work in construction, which I really liked and had some experience in. Than I got a job at a lumber yard here in town. Been here ever since. Have a good boss. Make good money. Get to be involved in all my family activities.
W began her current phone sex job the end of April 2014.
No need to apologize for the questions. I am so grateful for the help I have received on this forum. It is a life saver. I felt so alone before. Thank you for taking the time to work with me.
I had a great day! Got to coach my D basketball team in a tournament. I had so much fun. W actually acted like my W today. That was kinda nice. She actually had ring on also, which I was surprised. She looked very beautiful today. I was not sure if it was appropriate to comment on that. I did not want to seem like I was pursuing. She actually gave me a compliment too.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Tonight I am just a tad hurt. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. My detaching has gone well the past few days. Yesterday and today, W seemed different. Seemed like her old self. We even joked around some this afternoon. I did not read much into it. I know there are ups and downs. She does so much better when she is around her friends here in town. When we do things with the kids and the school. Or when she just visits with other people here in town. Her whole attitude changes into the person I used to know. I am thank full for the little things. I really think the other girls she works with influence her some. When she visits the women around town, it is a normal life. When she starts her job, it is her fantasy world. Tonight was the first time I have seen her say she was not ready to work.
So anyway after having a couple good days, I have been practicing my things I need to work on. One was my listening skills and the other was just validating and just trying to be a more attractive person to my W. I think some of it helped. I noticed she has been watching me a little more lately. Has been watching me when I am texting to. Kinda like she is wondering who I am texting. She has not done that before. We have been very friendly the past 2 days. She talked to me about her mom some tonight. Her mom has Parkinson's. She is getting worse. Can't dress herself and get around the house very well. She is going to need a special bed. I could see how upset my wife was tonight. I listened and sympathized with her. She talked about how she is going to have to go help her after her surgery and that she is planning to take the kids to see her for a couple weeks this summer. With her health, it is good she see's her grandkids. She almost acted like she wanted me to come when she goes with the kids. Or was waiting for me to say something. I did not say anything, just said sounds good.
So here is my dilemma! I would appreciate any advice on how to act in regards to this stuff. The only thing I did was I told her how sorry I was that her mom was going through this and that I was sorry her health was getting worse. She gave me a hug and thanked me. I am trying to put my feelings aside right now. The hard part is I know she is still lying about her job. She has told me in the past that when she main dispatches that she can not take calls. Well tonight she made a point to let me know she was main. When I was up hiding Easter eggs, I heard different. It hurts real bad to hear her with that fake voice making those noises from that room. But with her mom and her health and what she is going through I just have to detach from it. I don't know how she is going to keep this job and go back and forth helping her mother.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
