This is a long post, but I think it has value in this discussion.
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no one makes anyone else feel anything. We first have to "buy in to the view". Good or bad we need to buy in, to agree before we either raise ourselves up or put ourselves down.
I absolutely agree. My wife is an emotional abuser when she doesn't get her way. She wasn't typically able to get me to react that much, especially at the end. I was also putting boundaries up on her bad behavior with the kids/me. Calling her out on cussing or when she got in the kid's faces screaming. I physically pulled her back a lot and got her to focus on me.
The part I did was to repress my anger; which led to me going into a depression. I knew things weren't right and every time I tried to bring it up, I'd been shot down. Where I should have done better would have been to force the issue for S7 sake. But I'm not sure I'd have been in a position to get physical custody like I am now... some things happen for a reason. But I consider this to be my biggest failure in the marriage.
I remember very clearly thinking that there was no way in hell I was going to do what she was screaming explicatives/personal attacks at me to do (even though I was willing to do it if she's asked nicely) and then doing something else on a regular basis. as As an example, Last summer the kids (there were 4 boys last year, 3 foster and our biological son) and I fished a lot on our lake (caught some good bass too! ;)). I was the buffer between her and the kids. She is a very cold/fake person and puts up a good facade. Life with her has been all about her... there is no room for anyone else's want's dreams or desires and this should not be this way in a healthy marriage.
In my professional life, I'm quite successful. I'm a Chief Engineer for North American Advanced Engineering and have some global responsibilities. I work at an $8.4 Billion dollar company. When she'd attack me and tell me how horrible I was at XXXX or YYYY. I'd bring up that it wasn't true because of what I do at work (in charge of $120 million projects for instance, being 1 of 5 going into a global management fast-track program, etc.).
Or at home how I rebuilt our lives from our first marriages. In my first divorce, everything I owned fit under another man's basement stairs. Between us we really didn't have anything. She had a house she'd forced her 1st husband to remodel and it was in studs when I married her. I ended up rescuing her from it and decimating my savings in the process when the market crashed. To where we live now... a house on a lake with 150ft of lake front.
When there was a spew session, examples like my work or successes at home would make her attack even more and she'd genuinely try to destroy any confidence I had. The arguments fed the beast so to speak and she'd try harder to beat me down and would get soo mad that she'd slam/break stuff or go drive around sending me hate texts.
I tried to envision myself as the rock and letting her crash against me. But I was angry with her about the relationship dynamics. So I have my own issues with the IC to work through which are different from the first time around. My current STBXW is much closer to my mother's behavior. Even my Dad agrees I married my mother in this one.
There was a lot of things I let go, that I loved doing, when we first got together because of the fights. She expected me to keep her entertained (how draining) and over time I lost who I was. Heck, I even remember telling her early in the marriage that we need to get her some hobbies because I couldn't do it constantly. She also decimated a lot of my friendships or wouldn't let us socialize with other people. Again, this should not be this way in a healthy marriage.
Can we say HUGE warning signs?
My STBXW decimated her older son's (mid 20s) confidence/self worth when he was growing up and he wants NOTHING to do with her period.
For the mother of my child, I allowed things like this to happen that I should not have... just to avoid the spew, abuse, personal attacks, and hate speech. It was easier to exist with it than to change it (again a failure on my part). So in many ways, this is a favor for the rest of my life and S7's life. I just need to learn new behaviors and understand my triggers.
The IC and I have talked about managing my impulsivity when it comes to relationships... that this is where people get themselves in trouble.
I can also say, that I was seriously contemplating divorce myself last year. I almost started something that I shouldn't have, but made the choice to stick it out for S7 and FS8 sake, but didn't do anything to change the fundamental dynamics of the relationship and I should know better from what I learned in my first marriage (different type of personality than the current wife). I'm not sure what I could have done against her brick wall besides leave.
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Sherman WW can behave as if she can treat you any way she wants, say what she wants but at the end of the day it is up to you to say "no" "enough" "stop", to take responsibility for yourself.
Agreed. But in my case, a lot of the WW behavior occurred constantly over 7 years. My SIL is convinced that if the W had not been pregnant (she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids), then I would not have married her based on stuff that happened when we were dating.
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Abuse is wrong full stop, of course it is, and to me it sounded originally like blame the abused, blame the victim. And I did not like it. I felt I had a right to be treated well and I was not and therefore it is H fault. ... It is a self evident truth that until there are boundaries, consequences and we say "no more", that others will often do what suits them.
I'm not appeasing her anymore. We were at war weeks ago and she didn't know it. As she's found out the preparations I put into place, she's reacting/bouncing around trying to find the chink. Unfortunately, the only one is through S7. For this, I have to get physical custody and I came to terms with loosing it all to make that happen. He's an innocent in this and we both deserve a lot better in our lives.
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it can be used on other screwballs as well as H
That cracked me up and I got a good laugh with this line.
