Guide for LBH who has a Wayward Wife

[Vanilla]

With due respect Scherman, no one makes anyone else feel anything. We first have to "buy in to the view". Good or bad we need to buy in, to agree before we either raise ourselves up or put ourselves down.

We believe what is said, my H told me that I was fat and unattractive. I bought it because I had put on weight and so Plain Vanilla was born. Ms frumpy dumpy. When H said something that I did not buy, "V you are the most selfish person in the world ever". I dismissed it. I allowed those thoughts of H to define me because I adopted it, a better stance would have been "yes H I have put on weight but I am ok with who I am". I learned from the amazing Gg, I got some kick ass shoes and a red convertible and let Plain Vanilla go. Gg advised me as she has you and I listened.

Sherman WW can behave as if she can treat you any way she wants, say what she wants but at the end of the day it is up to you to say "no" "enough" "stop", to take responsibility for yourself. Abuse is wrong full stop, of course it is, and to me it sounded originally like blame the abused, blame the victim. And I did not like it. I felt I had a right to be treated well and I was not and therefore it is H fault. Of course H could chose to of his own accord behave with respect like my past partners but the fact is he hasn't.

It is a self evident truth that until there are boundaries, consequences and we say "no more", that others will often do what suits them. If that is unwanted then "stop". At 60 years of age I learned this. I learned to say "unacceptable" even if I feel like a Plain Vanilla at the moment, still unacceptable.

This is why I say "I will not be abused" rather than "you are an abuser" or " please stop abusing me". I neither label H or give him the power. Stopping abuse is a new tool for me in my toolkit and it can be used on other screwballs as well as H. I will not be abused by them either. Lesson learned higher power thank you.

V