And so. Enough of the crazy-making. I have made myself a list to refer to whenever I think I want to cry over this amazing person that used to be my husband, any of his kindness or attributes I love, and any of the memories I am grieving and the dreams that I am giving up.
I took my wedding rings off. They no longer have any power or meaning for me. It is a sadness, but not my failure or fault.
I am breathing deep yoga breaths. In for strength and self-appreciation, humor -- out for relief, hope and joy for future, letting anxiety go. The general tenseness in my body is leaving.
My list I will refer to when I am weak:
1. Pushed off the dock out of jealousy six months in 2. Blocked phone calls for a week, pretending everything was fine. 3. Denying I was financially supporting him 4. Making me feel ridiculous for having any expectations of him in this relationship 5. Increasing feelings of walking on eggshells with my words 6. Ever-present consequence and fear of upsetting him - whether punishment was temper, attack on my character...couldn't be honest with concerns or opinions 7. Intimidation acts 8. Manipulation of EVERYONE (even when he recognized it and said he didn't want to be that person - whatever) 9. "Inability" - ef it. His "inability to drive" has suddenly gone away, and he's driving himself all over now that we broke up. 10. Flipping me off 11. Psychological/emotional bullying 12. "You will need to f. other men if you want to have children" - said minutes before a week long family reunion my mother hosted. 13. "I want to date other people" as he was trying to get back into my pants, after I picked him up from the airport. 14. Triangulation games with his ex and her 'special friendship' 15. 5 days after blow up - no remorse. 16. Gaslighting 17. passive master that expected me to read his mind 18. How and why I had to explain basic elements of respect to him through the years? What was appropriate boundaries with people? 19. Attitude of victim with everything 20. What he 'needed' was people that cared about him, another relationship to bring the stability to his life. 21. Witholding affection from me, silent treatment as punishment 22. Backwards priorities- all about his pleasure, no stresses allowed 23. Low empathy for me. I had to beg for him to listen to me and try to care sometimes 24. No real intention of working or providing 25. Problem with being the 'bad' guy or being assertive enough to say what he wants - constant image maintenance
He has good qualities and I will not focus on them now and torture myself imagining what more I could have done, today or any other day. If he wants my love, to be my partner, he can fight to get it back, directly and fairly. That is what a man I'd respect would do.
I am worth:
Peace Being able to share my thoughts and concerns without fear Constant love and consideration Effort - even when it's not easy
This list is pure narc behaivour, there is no lovely man it was his narc mask. It fell off when he need more drama from you than you were supplying, hence the behviour of triangulation nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc nc!
Just don't tell him untill you are ready to hear a temper tantrum. Just disappear.
Once he knows your nc and it your choice he will want to control that as it's not his choice.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
