Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Vanilla]

Z

Grieving! And of course it's human, natural and I would be very concerned for you if you weren't doing what comes naturally.

Precious one, there is nothing wrong. Please let me reassure you, I feel this too.

H has to grow himself.

V

[Zelda09]

The hardest thing to
Accept is that my H doesn't want me.

[gan]

Nothing wrong with you, Zel. I'm the same way today. Experience tells me this will pass but it still [censored] while we are in the midst of it, doesn't it?

[Ggrass]

I posted in the other thread too!

But a narc type r is very hard to let go of, they make them selves perfect, and you incest so much that it's impossible to let go.

Now after watching that piece given by nilla, I'm down and teary again. I was doubting it was true that h was the abuser and the abuser was me. I was given the illusion of control until the world flipped up I had no idea that there wasn't any equality in my m.

[Zelda09]

Thanks Gg, what do you mean the abuser was you?

I keep reading my lists but I feel myself sliding back into thinking how miserable H must have been - he saw himself as emotionally needy and me unable to be there for him. Was it genuine or a manipulation?

I wonder - did he hate me or just fall out of love with me? Abusers try to control to the end, don't they? H has no interest in pursuit of me so I am left feeling sometimes like he was simply an unbalanced man, suffering and disappointed in our M.

Is there any reason to sit back after I get my QC and see what time will do, or should I push him for dissolution too? Is there any reason to hope? I feel I must have been the controlling one, to have such a hard time with letting him go and accepting he's just not into me.

I want to tell him so many things in a letter. Why he needs to be the one to file. That can also wait.

[Ggrass]

H always said I was the abuser, the dishonest one, the cheater. So often I still doubt my own judgment.

But your list which I copied in the other thread reads 100% narc type behaviour, it's a concern due to the fact they don't really care for the victim except to make you feel small.

[Zelda09]

Is it possible for a man to be a narcissist if he has incredibly low ego/self-esteem? Shy, quiet in groups? No need for flattery (just attention)? Never talks much about himself or anything else?

Idk.

[Ggrass]

Narc are low on self esteem, they hide it often.

Mine did heaps of charity work, I suspect he pocketed cash from the charity. He worked manic at times on the latest project that would gain him thanks and gratitude or recognition.

They get nastier the more on the inside you are. So in the beginning they will appear your perfect match. Mine liked soul mates as a term.

We were soul mates, so is the ow! They use same stories different names, like h was in a car accident he mixed my car accident with the neghbours.

Very story they tell will be someone else's. So a mate told a story and I said hold on that was h! Nothing is original.

They don't want you knowing the truth. They gaslight and re write history from the get go, just more and more as things go on.

[Ggrass]

My narc, has done complete 180's on everything he told me no and that's no ok on.

Things h told me we could never do, he's doing with ow.

Read that list its abuse, your me as I was a year ago making excuses for the man.

Don't, you need all your emotions for you.

Figure out what your thing is make up dresses shoes? Fix up zelda. Make zelda stand out. I'm ordinary but when I go out its with a certain standard met.

I'm made up, I'm dressed, I'm pma and I turn heads. It's what I create for me.
H would hate it and that also fires me up now too.

I know this might sound harsh, but your the most important thing to focus in. Don't give h any air time.

[Zelda09]

Interesting. My H was also very into volunteering. Wanted to help neighbors build their docks, wrote fuzzy little signs at our club, 'help make xyz a better place!'

My father was a classic narc, with all the bravado and consistent signs to match. My H, I chose him bc he was his polar opposite.

I've come to see my H as simply childlike, emotionally under-cooked. Had the instincts and needs of a grown man, but was drawn to the volunteer nice-guy cookie baking stuff bc it feels nice to have people like you, and there's no real responsibility for that stuff and you can proudly tell people what you're doing with your time - helping others! He was forgetful and unable to take initiative in his work endeavors, and would tantrum openly or privately if criticized about it. Never had any real dreams for his education or plans for future, just wanted an untroubled life as far as I can tell. The need to work and present as an adult agitated him and he'd make short term attempts.

I think he was self-centered and lazy, even before his accident. Of course, I give credit for the degree of life changing accident it was. He will always be in pain and unable to go back to the high level physical athlete he was. His PTSD is no doubt real (he was fully conscious as he slammed into the back of a semi at 70mph and until the ER put him out), but it's not as debilitating as he'd have you believe.

Some have told me he is just angry and resentful at the world, that maybe he will sort this out.

My H is a beautiful, graceful man who I loved more than any other I was ever with. He would make me breakfast and sing to me, and hundreds of other little things that make me want to have hope. I love that he was sensitive and not afraid to cry at a movie. I loved that he was so supportive of me and my business, the things he would build me and all his enthusiasm for my passions. I loved that - as long as weren't fighting - the conversations we could get into, we could dig really deep. I loved his abstract thinking and how gentle he generally was. Even when he came home and we started piecing, I loved that he could just listen to me and rub my back if I was having a hard day. But that hard day usually started from some nasty aside he'd make about me.

It's just so hard to make sense out of any of this. But I know that I saw the parts of him I loved less frequently in the end.