Devotion To A Dream 3

[phunguy]

Well I can't sleep tonight, tomorrow I file. I still cannot believe this is what's its all come to. I'm about to be a divorced man. Single, alone for the first time in 20 years. It's kinda surreal. Much of my adult life and who I am has been tied to my marriage. I've learned that a lot of it was lies that she was never in it for more than certain periods of time. The whole series of affairs disgusts me and though I think so much less of her I can't believe I still love her, I suppose I always will in some regard.

Meetings with my therapist have helped a lot to work through my feelings of guilt because she really messed my head up as this all came to an end. I really thought it was all my fault. I went to a dark place in Jan. Where I am today is a 180 for me! I've learned while I made mistakes as we all do it is her behavior that was the most influential part in mine. She was never open emotionally to me. She was never there for me, never a partner, she was closed off to me for most of our marriage and most of my reactions were to being alone in all of it. The physical fighting early on and the verbal abuse all came from her. I had never done any of those things prior to being with her. I learned how she liked to fight and learned to beat her to it. I learned that is how she grew up, in a completely disfunctional environment, filled with hatred and disdain and much of it directed at her. I never was exposed to that. My parents are married for 45 yrs. and I had a great childhood. I learned these bad behaviors to compete with her early on, to the point that I became angry with her. Eventually that anger and disappointment became too much, and led to always feeling she would leave or cheat, it ate at me for most of our M. And as much as she told me she didn't She already had many times. She has hid so much from me I'm fairly certain I'll never be able to look at my M in any other way than what it was, a big lie. She used me to further her own needs, to facilitate her sickness. I hope she gets help, she admitted that she needs help to me this past weekend and doesn't know what's wrong with herself. Says she can't stop and has tried and failed repeatedly. I hope she finds happiness. I hope one day I can forgive her for what she has done. I hope she can forgive herself.

So onward I march into the unknown. I never pictured it this way, but I'm no clairvoyant. I've also learned it isn't me, I'm not in control of anything I do what I can and leave the rest up to the world and God. I have got two strong legs and occasionally I have wings to fly. I hope to dust of these wings soon and soar!