Ok, waaaay too much time on my hands. So was just pondering as to why is it that I continue to cling on to hope; why is it that I can’t seem to accept that my m is over and h no longer wishes to be a part of my life romantically.
I am doing everything advised, I have remained NC (which has been harder since I came back) I am GAL and am making decisions and goals which don’t include him. I have tried to remain in neutral territory on the rare occasion he does contact me. Idk what else I can do to turn these thoughts off.
They have been fuelled all along the way, I know this is not helping, and maybe until he does file for d (which can’t happen until June 2016) I won’t let go. I ask myself why I would even want him back in my life; this man ran away from 24yrs of us, no explanation – he did not really understand it himself – no wanting to try and make it work, no courtesy, loyalty or commitment to our vows, he just walked away, leaving me destroyed and my life a mess.
But then I read all I can on MLC, he fits so much of the script and even my Dr voiced his opinion that it is a MLC and he will be one sorry man. I feel this is not him, like an alien has taken over his brain. I occasionally see glimpses of the old him, the one I loved so deeply, he does/says things which makes me wonder if he is truly happy with his decision. I wonder how he can email or talk to me after months of no contact and sound so casual, like we only spoke yesterday – comfortable with me. I am the women he left, I am the women he no longer wants to be with, I am the women who was the “cause” of his unhappiness; so how can he be so friendly towards me –
I don’t know anyone who has had a friendly break up of their marriage when it’s not been an amicable decision between them both – so this situation we LBS find ourselves in is not normal.
I am getting myself down over it, I feel swamped by thoughts again – the will he, won’t he tug of war. I also know that I have had a lot to deal with since I arrived back and him speaking to me last week after 5 months just compounded it – he drew me in so quickly with his voice, like he was away for a few weeks and would be home soon. The progress I made over the past few months was undone in a matter of minutes. It’s very frustrating.
Well, thanks for reading my thoughts and rambles. As ever I appreciate so much being able to offload here. I think my friends are getting sick of listening to me go around in circles – I can hear them now ….be done with him already !!
