Need Help 3

[errod]

In my current situation, does it make more sense when picking up and dropping off D14 from W's house to wait in the car or go in and just stay happy?

[Sotto]

Hi Errod, I think the more that W can see you are doing okay and moving forward the better. If you sit in the car, it could just look churlish.

I would personally look good, smell good, say a casual Hi to your W, focus more on your D, and be generally upbeat and busy sounding. Nothing to OTT though - just a cool guy, who's quite a catch, and has places to go...

Of course if you genuinely have places to go - even better!!

[errod]

Toots That was my thought. I have heard people saying both ways. My fear is if you are to out of sight you will be forgotten.

It is weird that all week W has been having D14 pack her bag in the morning and then I grab it out of her car.. Then this morning she told her not to worry about packing her bag, that I could go over tonight and get it.

This is the same woman who on Tuesday wanted to get a protection order against me.

[Vanilla]

I think you will find IC very valuable indeed.

As far as W is concern, just observe with a wry smile. None of us will ever know another's thoughts properly, especially if they have no idea himself.

You managed well, it makes no sense to you.

Errod look after Errod and his D12. Go GAL and enjoy.

V

[errod]

I can't get in with a counselor for two weeks. I really wanted to start ASAP. I need to get control of my life again. The roller coaster is really taking its toll on me.

I did take D14 to get her clothes from W's. I said hi to W in a positive way and then started playing with the dog. She then came over and showed me what she had made for dinner and asked me if I wanted some. I ate a couple bites of it. Then we left W hugged D14 and her friend when we were leaving and looked confused on what to do when I walked by she partially reached for a hug but I just walked by in a polite way.

Even though I would love to reconcile I can not put myself all out there again. I need to protect myself. This situation has done a lot of damage to me. That does not mean I can't get over it but I can't keep biting on all the mixed singles.

[MrBond]

"If you want me to answer honestly no I have not learned. I have been acting in absolute total desperation. I would not attract myself."

And that's why what you did wasn't working, which made things worse, etc. Round and round it goes.

"Now of course my excuse is, which is not a good excuse was that there was so much smoke, I wanted to find closure. Which I kind of did."

Closure for what? You didn't have to do what you did. You could still save your M, but you couldn't handle the pain. You couldn't handle the pain because you didn't make yourself stronger. See it's all connected. I will tell you that you pulling the trigger does not make the pain go away. And all you end up doing is running away.

"Yes I still would be willing to work on my marriage. But I also now know that I did not cause this D."

Actually you did contribute to it. In fact, in your first post you said... "At that time my wife started telling me I need to get a job and get out of the house, now this was only brought up when we argued so I did not take it serious. Well over time me not getting the hint caused her a great deal of resentment towards me. There were other issues that she brought up that were a 100% correct for example I did not pay her enough attention, I never complimented her and things like that. Also I have always been controlling (even though I though of it at the time as protecting.) I also did not do my part of keeping up with the house while I was staying home."

I'm not saying that you were the cause of her A, but you contributed to the downfall of your M just as much as your W.

"I just get confused why someone files for D, constantly tells you that they can date. Then when you pick up the trail in the early stage they deny it."

You really haven't studied the books have you? It explains it all in there. Regardless of what, you didn't want to change and fixated on the A. That's not healthy and it's not what saves M's.

Are you done?

"I can not wait until I start seeing a counselor. I have some issues that I need to work through."

Like what?

[errod]

"If you want me to answer honestly no I have not learned. I have been acting in absolute total desperation. I would not attract myself."

And that's why what you did wasn't working, which made things worse, etc. Round and round it goes.

"Now of course my excuse is, which is not a good excuse was that there was so much smoke, I wanted to find closure. Which I kind of did."

Closure for what? You didn't have to do what you did. You could still save your M, but you couldn't handle the pain. You couldn't handle the pain because you didn't make yourself stronger. See it's all connected. I will tell you that you pulling the trigger does not make the pain go away. And all you end up doing is running away.

"Yes I still would be willing to work on my marriage. But I also now know that I did not cause this D."

Actually you did contribute to it. In fact, in your first post you said... "At that time my wife started telling me I need to get a job and get out of the house, now this was only brought up when we argued so I did not take it serious. Well over time me not getting the hint caused her a great deal of resentment towards me. There were other issues that she brought up that were a 100% correct for example I did not pay her enough attention, I never complimented her and things like that. Also I have always been controlling (even though I though of it at the time as protecting.) I also did not do my part of keeping up with the house while I was staying home."

I'm not saying that you were the cause of her A, but you contributed to the downfall of your M just as much as your W.

"I just get confused why someone files for D, constantly tells you that they can date. Then when you pick up the trail in the early stage they deny it."

You really haven't studied the books have you? It explains it all in there. Regardless of what, you didn't want to change and fixated on the A. That's not healthy and it's not what saves M's.

Are you done?

"I can not wait until I start seeing a counselor. I have some issues that I need to work through."

Like what?

No I am not done yet.

I need to work on developing confidence again. I need to become secure again. I need to be able to get a grip of my life and be able to function like a normal person again. I still think about W 24/7 as much as I know I shouldn't I can now control it and don't need to call or text. But I still am thinking about her all the time. Even when I do my GAL's I stop and think, I wish she was here with me.

[Zues126]

What I've seen play out for myself and for a few others is as follows:

-LBS clings to R and gets whipped by the roller coaster ride causing a lot of suffering.

-LBS eventually gets tired of the beatings and gets mad at WAS for doing all of that to them.

-LBS gets tired of being emotionally involved in ANY way with WAS and just doesn't want to dance anymore.

That isn't the end of the ride...that just means things settle down enough you can start rebuilding, reflecting, and growing from a personally motivated place (vs. trying to control your WAS back into the M).

Not saying it always works this way. But it can.

I agree. No matter what you did wrong in your M, you don't deserve to put yourself through torture. Take care of yourself, detach, breath. It's the best thing you can do.

[errod]

Zues126 what you said makes perfect sense. I feel a lot better now than I did a week ago. I am starting to do things and move on with life. But I have to admit I miss having my W going on the ride with me. There was a time I held my phone non stop hoping she would text and if she didn't I would make up an excuse to text her. Now I don't ever initiate the text and at the same time do not expect any texts.

[errod]

Oh well W is totally playing head games with me. She is in a hotel room with OM as I am typing this.