...and another WAS

[Pyrite]

A baby is a big change and often the H feels neglected when the W is giving almost all their attention to the baby. I would bet money your W also felt overwhelmed and neglected though. There are two sides to every story.

Absolutely. BUT - I have a sister, cousins, friends with young children. My neglect surpasses their cases. Everyone notes her obsession with the kids as abnormal. Then and now.
I knew this, I tried to point this out, as did her friends, Mother's group.

What were your W's complaints about you? How have you changed since the good days?

I dropped all sorts of hints, notes, suggestions etc about how our relationship needed to be taken care of.

Can you give some examples of what you said or did? Do you think your W perceived these actions as you intended? I ask because I can remember as a new mother being angry when my H made suggestions. I took it as "here's one more person wanting something from me. Telling me I'm not doing enough." His intent was to tell me his needs weren't being met. My perception was that he was selfish didn't care about my needs. Just something to consider

Great point. In hindsight, considering her words exactly, I was another thing to take care of for her, whereas for me it was more like your H sitch.
E.g. of a pivotal point moment. One day on the way home from work I heard a lecture from a psychologist doing a public lecture tour. One main point in his lecture was that the most imortant relationship in a family is that between H and W. Everything else falls into place. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my wife in detail. This was like finding gold. Exactly what I needed.

My wifes response wasn't negative at all, she agreed. But nothing actually changed. In retrospect this is also my fault. I should have insisted on, or forced a change in our lives. As with everything I regret not doing x,y,z.

My wives complaints about me - hard to answer. Basically she was sick of my depression I guess. Although, it was more of a reactionary depression. I am OK now - except for the obvious. Regardless, I will call it depression here to describe my overall grumpy behaviour over the past few years.
She attributes my depression to being in the wrong job, etc, all the peripheral stresses. Until the BD it had been swept under the carpet for years that the origin of my depression was our M, or our R. Actually it had sorta been raised on a few occasions over the years. Usually in an angry setting. The most recent being when she brought OM home for 2nd time, after the 1st time I voiced my disapproval. She accused me of being a jealous child, to which I replied "Damn right I am jealous, it would be different if we had a R". I should've known from 1st time onwards that she had clearly chosen her right to have whatever friends she wanted over her husbands concerns.

Basically though I was not the fun person I used to be, and the person I can feel that is re-emerging now. Regardless of the future of the M, headed for D Jan.2016, I need to do this and I want her to see the new me (although an incomplete work as yet). Ultimately my only chance of winning her back eventually will be for her to see the new improved me. Two concerns I have though - 1. we dont have any contact. 2. she needs to change some things too