Continuing DBing

[alpha99]

Hi Peter. Let me firstly say I could be getting everything wrong here. I am not an expert at all.

Take a look at what others are saying though. Your W is having an affair(?) and you tell her you love her. How do you think she sees that since she knows you know? I would imagine she sees it as she can do whatever she likes and you will still love her. It makes you look weak and unattractive in her eyes. Now, it's fine to still love your wife of course but I wouldn't be saying it at all from now on until you reach the point where she says she is willing to work on the marriage. Saying I don't know etc seems to be a way of dragging things out whilst she cake eats/lines her ducks up in a row. Again, I would step back, do some 180s, cut off financial support for her.

I've heard this many times myself recently - are you trying to win an argument with your wife or are you trying to save your marriage?

[Devaste]

Hey Peter,

Have to agree with most of the posters above. I've said it before, but you really need to detach from your W. Your not really going to be able to R your M in these conditions. There is no transparency and I don't think your W has any interest in it, because she knows you still desire her.

I won't do an update on my stitch in your thread ( I'll do that soon though) , but I really think you need to pull away. I have really detached from my W, and she is almost now pursuing me. The fear of losing me is real. Now I'm in the position of realizing she needs to fix herself before we can work together on a M.

I understand not wanting to detach and being fearful of losing your M. I don't see the need for "I love you's". They don't mean anything at this point. Keep your head up, and detach detach detach. It's long overdue.

Keep up your PMA, your a battler.

Dev

[Wonka]

Hey Tarzan! Good to hear from you and I cannot wait to read your latest update.

[PeterV2]

I'm thinking I should give this to my W

The 24 “tasks” that a cheater must perform in order for you to heal from an affair

Stop all contact with the other person – forever

Be sensitive when your partner suffers from a trigger

Stop being so selfish

Take responsibility for your actions – and inactions

Stop trying to always be in control

Have some patience

Be trustworthy

Talk about things

Be honest

Show remorse and apologize

Acknowledge the depth of the pain that your affair brought to your marriage

Educate yourself about affairs and relationships

Figure out for yourself why you did what you did

Be thoughtful and reassuring

Stop being so defensive

Be loving and supportive

Stop thinking that the grass is always greener somewhere else

Listen – really listen

Stop blaming your spouse for your affair

Make your life and everything you do an open book

Check your anger at the door

Get some counseling or therapy

Ask your spouse what he/she needs from you on a regular basis

Gratitude or gratefulness

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No sure if it'll do any good.

[sandi2]

I'm thinking I should give this to my W

Why? This list is about what you want her to do.......it's not what she wants. As I said, what she's doing is working for her.

Until you change the dynamics, you will not see the changes you want.

[Ontheup]

Do not give that to your wife. It's is pointless and she will see it as pursuing and controlling.
Are you still living together?

I can't see this getting any better whilst you are.
Let her go. What you are putting yourself through now is not good for your sanity or physical health. She wants to be with OM? Then let her have him. Let her go.
How long are you willing to put up being treated like a doormat? 1 year? 5 years? It will go on as long as she wants it to at this rate. 2 men wanting her. How flattering. F@ck that Peter. Your worth more than this. Crumbs on the floor that's all she's giving you. Man up and take back control of your life. Cmon!

[MrBond]

I agree. Unless you're in actively Piecing, this is not going to do a thing.

[Sotto]

I agree Peter. You are wishing and hoping that your W will change. But the change needs to come from you.

It's an interesting list for DBers to read though...

T x

[PeterV2]

She says the A is over. She insists it is.
She says that she needs time to work on herself.
She says she feels she lost her independence with me and she's looking to regain that. She's taking steps to do that - seeing old friends again (women) and doing her own thing. I don't feel that she's spending any time with OM - zero. I don't even think she's in contact with him.

However she doesn't want me looking at her phone. Maybe she's exchanging texts with OM. Maybe she's exchanging texts with girlfriends that deal with our difficulties and she doesn't want me to see her convos with them. Hard to say. I need to somehow get her passcode to open her phone and look while she sleeps.

She's cooking me great meals and we're spending a lot of quality time together. We're living under the same roof but I sleep in the spare room. She doesn't want to sleep with me yet.

I'm not pursuing. I'm just carrying on my life. She's the one who always calls me and texts me and asks me where I am. I'm just waiting until after D28 gets married in July. Then I'll deliver my message: R or go.

[mvgfwd2]

I would be suspicious of the lack of transparency on the phone. But you know better what is going on. If interested, you should be able to check the phone records of her cell phone on the provider website to see who she is calling or texting. Assuming you are the primary account owner and her phone is on the account. For verification of the A is over.