Sure it was a slippery slope mixing personal/professional life and that's what W is so mad about. But a bit of double standards, as OM was son of one of the RH residents.
W brought up the issue again today - saying that I still haven't apologized. I told her that I did, but I apologized again.
She again stated that she wasn't looking to have an A - it just happened. I said nothing about that.
But I did say that I want D27 & fiancé to have not only a great wedding but a great marriage. I said that I teach my children by example. And that example being that if you get into a rough patch in your marriage, you roll up your sleeves and do the work required to rebuild and strengthen your marriage.
W just listened and didn't comment.
I'm thinking that she's been acting jealous lately if I talk to other women. This could mean that she does want me in her life.
The mutual caretaking of our cat seems to be bringing us closer together. Still she makes comments about our different household cleanliness standards. I didn't argue. I've been rather busy lately and don't need to get nagged about not cleaning the bathroom floor often enough. I'm the one earning all the money right now, running both our businesses. But I'm not about to play that card. Let her nag - I've got a spew jacket that keeps me safe.
Don't worry about if that means "she wants" you in her life. She figures she has you to perform whatever tasks she needs. She doesn't need you for the full man and intimacy portion, yet when another woman comes sniffing around her property she becomes territorial.
I don't know if you've seen the movie roots, but in her minds you are like "Kunta Kinte", the slave. Just kinda joking but kind of not.
As you see you talking to and being "nice" to other women causes feedback from her, wifey may even end up being nicer to you as a result.
Sounds like she wants to keep you firmly in the "I can do whatever I want and he will be there zone"
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
We basically had it out last night. She had put me down in front of our neighbour and I asked her later not to do that. That opened her up, as well as opening up a can of worms. W got mad and stopped talking. Later she came home.
I asked to see W's phone. She said no. I asked what are you hiding. She said "nothing". Then show me your phone. No, you've invaded my privacy in the past. You started this A Feb 2013. No. I have proof - it was an EA at that point but still an A. You drove me to it. You've been lying to me ever since. There is no trust here. Then why do you still want me? Because I love you - you were a great person. I believe we can fix this. How can we fix this when you screw up all the time. You screw up all the time too - we just need to learn from our mistakes, forgive and grow. [contemplative silence]
She's acting a little more humble today. But I fear that'll be short lived. At least there is some R dialogue. I'm no longer walking on eggshells. Just saying it like it is.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
We basically had it out last night. She had put me down in front of our neighbour and I asked her later not to do that. That opened her up, as well as opening up a can of worms. W got mad and stopped talking. Later she came home.
I asked to see W's phone. She said no. I asked what are you hiding. She said "nothing". Then show me your phone. No, you've invaded my privacy in the past. You started this A Feb 2013. No. I have proof - it was an EA at that point but still an A. You drove me to it. You've been lying to me ever since. There is no trust here. Then why do you still want me? Because I love you - you were a great person. I believe we can fix this.
Ugh. This ^^^^ sums up your entire problem with your current dynamic Peter. As I've posted many, many times, all infidelity is bad but it's REALLY bad when it's the wife who is cheating, the husband knows, and the wife knows that he knows. And then she sees that he's STILL pursuing her, regardless.
You may still love her, but I can assure you that she sees this whole exchange as a toxic combination of control and neediness. NOT attractive.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I know this is incredibly hard. You have to step back. You have to stop telling her you love her. She knows that. By repeating it in light of her infidelity you are causing her to lose respect for you. Arguing tit for tat over who screws up is not going to help. She will just dig her heels in about being right herself. You are not going to win that fight. Take a look at yourself. Take a look at why your W feels the way she does. As hard as it is to do, try and validate what your wife is telling you. For example:
I understand you have been unhappy for a long time. I wouldn't ever want you to feel that way. How can I help you to feel better?
whatever she says, do it! Why? Because if you don't you're just providing resistance. I'm not saying agree to anything she wants but find a way to weed out the bits you don't agree with and validate any vague notions of unhappiness etc that she comes out with. You need to change your attitude with her. You need to start that change now!
I'm no expert. I'm only getting to grips with this myself now. This is just my advice
BD - 30TH JAN 2015 S - 30TH JAN 2015 PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014) CONTINUAL TALK OF D ME: 31 W: 28 T: 10yrs M: 4.5yrs D:5, S:6
I'm not telling her I love her all the time. In fact I may only mention it maybe once a month when we're having a tender moment and then she usually replies back with an I love you too. She just asked why I even want her.
Maybe I just should have said I'll answer that question when you prove that the A is over and the OM is out of our life forever.
I've undergone many positive changes in the past year and she does see those. But she still wants more.
I told her I feel like she thinks I'm Mr moneybags. She denied that. I told her if it were not for me propping up her business it would have gone belly up a year ago. She wants to see our income - says I don't share that with her. I told her I tried to show her the books and she just says it's to overwhelming. So I ask what she wanted - she wants to see our income over the past year. So I'll show her that.
She had asked for my MasterCard statements back in the fall - I gave them to her within a couple of days after I dug them all out. I don't even think she looked at them.
Having a birthday dinner for D28 tonight at our place. Don't really want to get into it before that. But I'm getting pretty peed off at her dismissiveness of me. Maybe she's just getting back at me for being dismissive of her which I used to do, not to be mean, but just because I had a different viewpoint and would state it emphatically. I've tried to soften my approach to differences of opinion. Something I still need to work on.
We got to a point last night where I told her she can move out. She said she's not moving out and told me to move out. I said I'm not moving out - it's my house. She said it's her house too. I said we should just try to work this out. It can be done. She said she didn't know how.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
