So, I am freaking out a bit more... Husband texted at 4:30 am and wants to talk. He is picking up our son today for visitation and later texted and asked if I could put him on the bus that we needed time alone to talk.
Scared to death he wants to have the big D talk but trying to stay positive that this discussion will show me that he is opening his heart. Been dark for 5 days, which has been very difficult! I slipped a little yesterday and sent the following (please note I also posted in the walk away spouse forum but I was reading through other stories and realized that it is better to keep everything to one thread).
Subject: Not an April Fools I Love You, I am certain of that. I want our marriage to last and grow; I am certain of that too. But I know you are not as sure about those things. I am afraid that you will file for divorce and that our marriage will end. So afraid, in fact, that I have tried too hard to convince you to stay. I'm sorry for over-reacting at times. Our marriage needs change. I know that. I want to be part of that change. But I can't do it alone and I can't make up your mind for you. What I CAN do is let you make up your own mind. You need to be sure about what you want. I am going to quit trying so hard to change your mind and I am going to focus on getting myself to a better place. There is a lot to learn through all this. If you decide you want me... Want US, I'm ready to join you in making our marriage better. But until then, I will be more attentive to the things that keep me moving in a healthy direction. Through all this, I want to be a better person, whether or not our marriage survives. I do love you greatly but I am recognizing and accepting that begging, pleading, etc is just downright ugly and that behavior would certainly not entice me to recommit. So, I'm shifing my focus. I'm changing what I can... Being the change I wish to see in others. Losing weight, getting healthy mind, body, and spirit has been my goal starting back last December. I'm shifting my focus to that. I want to be the best me that I can be whether we stay together or not. And in the event that we don't, I hope that my changes and self-discovery will at least allow us to remain friends so that we can continue to help our children find their way in this world knowing that we both love them very much separately.
So that was yesterday... and today he wants to talk... alone... As the day wears on it is getting harder and harder to concentrate. I know he will be here soon within the next 5-30 minutes. I know to stay positive, not engage in an argument, be open... Do a 180 if the opportunity arises... Do the unexpected. No screaming, yelling, etc... Calm, cool, collected... Easier said then done so we'll see how that goes.
