Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Thank you everyone. I wonder if I can get in to see my doctor today. Unfortunately it isn't rumor, it is the principal who gave me the heads up that she might not renew my contract because it isn't working out. Although, I have a feeling a few other people were aware of this before I was--not that I didn't see it coming, I know I am floundering.

You are right about the gossip making it worse. I've worked in this school for a very long time as a sub and as an assistant, and have a good rapport with my coworkers. They all thought I would do better in this position then I am doing. My TAs are mostly new and don't know me very well and don't have any sort of loyalty to me, especially since they started the year with other teachers--experienced teachers--and I was a peer. Two of them are seeking teaching positions, 2 of them used to be teachers themselves, and I can tell they are frustrated by how I am doing things. The other has been working in the school for longer than me and we always had a good rapport. I like to think she is on my side, but I think she has lost faith in me.

The principal said that nothing is final yet, but there was something in the conversation that told me this was no longer a "let's see if Msd can turn it around" and more of a "start looking into other options, unless some sort of miracle takes place". Either way, I don't know if I want to do this anymore. I'm curious about the resources available to help me explore my options and feelings. It took me 8 years to land this job--public school teaching jobs are really hard to come by in this area. It took multiple diplomas and lots of student loans. Right now I can't imagine wanting to do it for another year, but I don't know if that is just current circumstances clouding my judgement, or if this really isn't the right path for me. Once I give it up there is no turning back, and it would be good to know if it is the job that is wrong, or the timing.

Every first year teacher seems to ride a similar roller coaster. My first year assignment is wrought with challenges beyond the typical first year experience. The principal is as pressured as I am to make it work because the class was her idea as a way of giving these students a smaller placement to help curb some of the behaviors and learning struggles they were having in the larger setting. To get support for a program like this, from parents and higher ups, there were a lot of promises and expectations. I am struggling to meet those expectations and if it fails it falls on her. I understand her position. I know that she is losing as much sleep over this as I am. And at first I was just resigned to the fact that I am doing the best I can with what I have available, but the stress has compounded and made me drop the ball on even the obvious things. I can't excuse those mistakes. Home problems are not an acceptable excuse, but they are my reality right now.

I think part of when I started really feeling the pressure was after my last observation. Suggestions were made to change what I was teaching and how I was teaching. What I heard was major curriculum overhauls was what was expected, and I had no idea where to begin. The next day d11 was sick, and for the past 2 years when she had gotten a cold she ended up hospitalized in ICU with asthma for nearly a week at a time. I was afraid that it would happen again. So I had to take a day off to take her to the dr. She was put on steroids. Luckily we avoided the hospital this time around, but that weekend when I was compounded with work stress, she was having emotional breakdowns. We all were.

D11 is like a rock, she is always happy and always seems to handle things well. Seeing her break down was alarming to me. She was saying how she feels she has no control over her feelings, that she is afraid she is going to get kicked out of school because she can't concentrate and hasn't been able to finish her homework. Going on and on about how she doesn't want to move, and she doesn't want anyone to move (me or H). How she never wants to change schools. Then she was saying how she is hungry but can't eat and she is scared. This all happened at the same time. I did what I could that weekend to try and make changes to my planning, but I was really thrown off, because it became obvious that my kids need more of my time. Time that this job has taken away. So my implementation of the work suggestions fell short--and everything else that was coming up for work was neglected.

After talking to H and taking d11 back to the dr for a follow up we learned that he steroid is probably what contributed to D11's breakdown. And her appetite returned a few days after being off of it. That was a relief, but also a wake up call that they need more of my time. And I don't know if I can successfully pull of my work obligations and still give my children the attention they need during this turmoil. I miss having a job that didn't have to consume every waking minute of my day--and even most of those minutes that I am sleeping. Maybe if I was in my 20s with no kids this would work out better. Maybe if my kids weren't in turmoil right now and their only stresses were school, friends, and extra curriculars, this would be the perfect time for me to devote to getting this career off the ground. Or maybe I'm just not cut out for it.