What to do

[edz]

Hi.

Sorry you find yourself here 1976, I'd heed the advice above though and say this is one of the best groups of people you could wish for to help you through this.

I'm not a veteran so my advice is all around my own experience, I'd always put it below that of the vets who'll pop in to advise you.

My sitch has been ongoing since last July and although its somewhat improving I'm still separated and contact with w and practising detachment (a word you're going to hear a lot) is the part I've struggled with the most from the early days (I now know during which w thought she'd be happy to never see or talk to me again) through to our now quite frequent contact.

Understand, as I didnt, right now your w isnt your w, she may be done, think she is done or at least hardened to you or maybe taking time to work on how she feels. Try not to mind read and guess what she's doing, as you have done just give her space and start working on you for now.

My sitch has no third person in it that there's ever been a trace or admission of (and this far in with s coming back and forth from wife it would be apparent by now) but has some issues I cant raise on the forum for w's privacy which I wont violate. I'd agree with Mozza though add a signature so we can quick reference your sitch, those recommendations sound good too.

I read NMMNG and did some work on my boundaries and expectations early on. I had huge co-dependency and self worth issues caused by undiagnosed depression and it was one of the first things I started to deal with in quite a lot of counselling last year. Its still one of the hardest things I've gone through but Im coming out of it a better version of me than I have been for a very long time.

Finally, try not to panic, breathe and relax or practice trying to do so. Its a horrible feeling being where you are which everyone here will know from personal experience (even allowing for differences in sitch). So when you get some advice know its coming not from a dry source but from hard won progress or experience. Definitely make sure you get and read (and re read) the books though as its easy to mis-apply advice if you dont.

Above all realise that you can only affect YOU here which is what DB is about, its not a way to change or manipulate anyone (as Cadet and Wonka say above) nor is it a magic wand, you can examine and change and better you in any way possible. You cannot flip a switch and change your w's feelings or intentions, she must do that herself if its to happen.

Take it easy and post back soon.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Edz