Tonight was her "final" moveout. I put that in quotes because yesterday she was so taken by surprise that she only grabbed a few things, and tonight she still left behind many nonfunctional things that she will not need in the immediate future. She has this idea that she's now living with OM only temporarily while she looks for her own place, but I have a feeling that inertia, lust, and cost savings will keep her right where she is, with him, for some good while. Tomorrow I'll box up what's left of hers and load it into the storage space downstairs.
Being here while she packed up was... interesting. Although she had readily and eagerly acceded to the move when I suggested it, she said today more than once that I was "kicking her out". For the three hours she was here, I helped her put things in boxes and get them down to the car; I gave her my car key, she gave me her house keys, and she drove off.
There was some conversation in there. Mainly it was just friendly, desultory interaction as we gathered things together. As we neared her departure I thanked her for seven good years together. I said that I regretted that our marriage ended, and especially that it should have ended like this, but that that wouldn't stop me from valuing the time we did have.
Somewhere during the time she said to me pointedly that I was kicking her out, or something to that effect, to which I replied that she hadn't lived here for weeks anyway. She asked-- not sarcastically but sincerely-- would I have wanted her to be here? I thought for a while before answering, "If you had actually *been here*, then yes, I would have." She didn't ask for further clarification. I think she took my meaning.
Also, before she left she asked, "Do you hate me?" to which I said no; I'm disappointed in your treatment of me and my feelings, but I have no reason to be hateful-- and I can't hate you if I believe that, underneath it all, you do genuinely feel sorrow for having hurt me. She asked soon after, "am I a bad person?" to which I responded "Truthfully?" [she nodded] "I think you are a weak person. You know, of course, that that used to be part of how I loved you; I could be your strength when your emotions got the better of you. But this time your emotions took you away."
She cried a bit, and hugged me a long goodbye. I clarified what our next steps would be to finalize the divorce (separating the finances on Saturday, getting forms from the lawyer with which we confirm uncontested divorce and date of original separation), and she was on her way.
Once she drove away, I did seize up, and spent some time wavering between crying and not... but then called my father, whose wife just died a few months ago, and he told me about the new woman he's met.
And then I recorded another few tracks of my next audiobook. And then I wrote an e-mail replying to a potential employer. And then I recruited another potential member for the theater project I'm putting together.
And I'm calm, and relaxed, and not ruminating. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I did eat earlier.
And now I feel as though I can actually, properly miss her. Now I feel, at last, that I can feel genuinely sad she's gone.
