My fail of sadness....

[BW911]

My story is much like those that have been previously posted. Boy meets girl at work, boy and girl date, boy and girl fall in love and get married.

Unfortunately, boy doesnt treat the girl like he did in the first couple years. The first few years were great. We were in love, we did things, we went to places, we did stuff, we enjoyed each other. We eventually got married Jul 2010. Then.... something changed in me. I don't know what it was, I don't know how it happened, but something changed. I fell into a depression that I didn't know I had. I lashed out and segregated myself from the family. We would get into HEATED arguments and I was a yeller. I was degrading and condescending. I would let arguments not end as they should and carry into another day. Most arguments ended with her saying she was sorry and me not.

And this is how things went on for awhile. My depression grew deeper, and my anger intensified. I continued to be a yeller and an all around jerk whenever we argued. I started not socializing like I did and complaining that I had no friends. And people didn't like me around. She tried numerous times to get me to go to counseling but I wouldn't go. I said we could figure stuff out on our own, and.... for a while things would be good. Then..... the spiral back to where we were. During this time we had our first and only child (2011). Those times were fun and also trying. A new baby can be rough to handle.

Eventually, I think she got to a point where she didn't care anymore. She was emotionally spent.... and then THIS is the point where my eyes opened FINALLY. During this time I was deployed to the middle east. I came back, and my depression was worse. I felt unneeded and like I had no purpose in the family anymore. Now I was the one that felt alone and scared. My depression deepened..... At this point my mind slipped into a dark place and I started considering that maybe everyone would be better without me. These thoughts prevailed for awhile until I finally admitted it to her one night. That I had been contemplating hurting myself for quite some time.

She responded by immediately taking my son and herself and removing them from our home. She left for 4 days, after which point she said they would come back but only if i left for 2 weeks. The rules being I were to only speak to her via text about finances or if I needed to come back to the house for items. I agreed.... and left as instructed to stay with a friend. She said she needed space, so I did it, I didn't want to rock the boat.

For 2 weeks, I heard nothing from her. No I love yous, no I miss yous, no how are yous... nothing. During this time I was diagnosed with severe depression and was put on medication for it. I had counseling 3 times a week and it helped quite a bit. After the 2 weeks were over we had "marriage" counseling. It was a joke. Lots of "and how does that make you feel" or "how do you feel about that?" kinda nonsense. No kind of relationship advice, reconciliation, nothing..... also no mention of my earlier admission. It was her saying how miserable she's been for years and me sobbing and saying how sorry I was. Oh, and how she needed more time for me to be away..... so I agreed...... again.

Still no I love yous, no I miss yous, no how are yous. Nothing. It was only from me to her that those things were said. We have another marriage counseling with the same result..... and again she needed more time.

At this point I was desperately seeking some kind of positive words from her. Something to make me believe that we were getting back together. But.... nothing. I tried the 180 method and that was met with the worst result. She thought I was going crazy going from texting and calling regularly to nothing.

I read DB and DR and read them religiously. I think i finished DB in 2-4 hours. Same with DR. Nothing seemed to get through her wall. So, I went into survival mode and started separating myself from her, to include our bank accounts. This sparked an immediate response and she subsequently filed for divorce. I filed a response and this is where we are now.

So.... my question...... are we beyond saving? We both have filed..... But..... we have recently started talking again. We started establishing visitation with my son, and how we are going to divide debt. Our communication is better than it has been for 2 months. Do I continue to try? I found a counselor, a REAL relationship counselor who is willing to work with us. But I don't think my wife wants to go. She even said she didn't see what the point was. Because, and I forgot to add this earlier, she moved out of our house and into her own apartment.

Have I lost? Should I accept reality for what it is and let her go? My heart and my gut say no. My heart and gut say to offer up this new counselor the next time we are together. But is that too much? I don't want to look back at this someday and think.... damn.... I should have tried that one last thing. That one last counselor. But, I think she's not going to want to go.

I know this post was long but its quite therapeutic getting this off my chest to others who are in the same boat. I really don't know what to do. We are on such good speaking terms now and we text back and forth now. Never about the relationship, mostly about my son and our financial situation. But its more that what I have been receiving.

Just don't know what to do....... I love her so much, but I can't help get the feeling I'm too little........ too..... late.