How can I be so distant? I can't deny the feedback I am getting (and asking for), it is consistent enough. How can I be so distant when I feel things so intensely? And care so much? If it is true, why do I have so many friends and laugh so hard at parties? How can I be this old and not understand anything about myself?
Well, I know sometimes when I feel things strongly that I feel the need to protect myself by throwing up some walls. Could that be what you're doing? What might it take for you to start trusting others, a hair at a time?
To me, this is hand-in-glove with urging a reluctant partner into commitment. He felt safe to you for whatever reason, and you weren't willing to give that up. Does he remind you of your family of origin? Was his distance safe for you because it observed your fearful boundaries? Those are stabs in the dark but worth exploring.
You aren't very old at all at 34. what you are going through right now is the sort of experience that helps you understand and develop yourself better. Use it wisely. Don't say you were a great partner. Your friend pointed out to you a significant way you weren't. That is not to excuse. His behavior, but to remind you of your own responsibilities, whether in a marriage relationshio or some other kind of relationship (including very casual ones). Think about it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
what you are going through right now is the sort of experience that helps you understand and develop yourself better. Use it wisely. Don't say you were a great partner. Your friend pointed out to you a significant way you weren't. That is not to excuse. His behavior, but to remind you of your own responsibilities, whether in a marriage relationshio or some other kind of relationship (including very casual ones). Think about it.