What a great day. S18 out for a little stroll and d14 is checking out pics on her phone, so I just wanted to share what a great day at the beach we had. Weather is great, had a nice drive.. Water was fab. Kids had me laughing so hard. For quite awhile we were just chillin in the sand talking about so many things.
One thing brought up was me dating. The kids said they would like if I could find someone and they want me to ("as long as it's not dad" says s18). S18 said he hopes I find someone he can hang out with. He said he would love that. He said he would call him dad, but.... I'm going to think that was just a joke. But he said he would love it if a guy could just come in and replace xh's role. Wow. That is sad. S18 really looked up to his dad. Now, I just know he has so much disappointment in him. And xh just does not get it. He really expects everyone to accept his choices and go along. Well... We have no choice to accept them, but he has to realize it does not mean in the way he would expect. So sad.
But, forget him. For me- could I see a life someday with someone? Perhaps. It would be a slow long road. Who knows if there is someone out there for me- who would accept my craziness... I am not really sure what it even entails. Couldn't see myself married again or anything....
But- I won't get ahead of myself. This hypothetical man may not even exist. But, at least I know my kids aren't afraid of something.... Or.... Someone..... Someday.
I am still wiping tears from my face from dinner. Joyful tears- my kids made me laugh so hard. OMG.... I think we were On The verge of getting kicked out.
Xh still texting kids a lot. Sad. Breaks my heart where he allowed this situation to get to. With no room for repairing our family. 20 years of building and one year of damaging every fiber and morsel of what was our relationship. Sent weapons of mass destruction to desinigrate the foundation of our family. But the three of us are rebuilding. We are coming through- together- and strong. This new family and foundation does not include xh. The interesting thing- my friend asked me the other day if I was going to take xh back before. I said I would have liked to try. She asked if I would now. I paused, I haven't really been asked this now. I slowly shook my head no. And I knew this, but- I haven't reAlly owned it. I haven't acknowledged it. It's the screwiest thing- how everything unfolded- and I was so caught off guard by the intensity of the sitch, I didnt have time to get angry (had time- couldn't access) but really didn't digest - couldn't comprehend. Ok- yadda yadda... I know I need to move on. Without him. I know that. It's weird. But I am peeling.... Away. Slowly. I really like when I find MY footing on my path. I enjoy MY path. When I hit the trail of history... That's the hArd part. The friggin trail of tears, now! But I know I will be ok. I know xh doesn't want me. He wants her. I can laugh about it. It only proves he has lost his mind. Crazy guy!
