Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

I am furious and disgusted right now. I can never be with this man again.

'Our' best friends - just got a report that H acted a real spook and stopped by their house with his familiar line - do you have any questions, can I help you out with anything?

He apologized to them about our D, "I'm sorry to tell you we're getting a divorce" because "I know you put a lot into our R" - spent a lot of time feeling out what I had already told them - though they would barely look at him. She said that's like apologizing to someone else for your own mother dying. He was creepy because he expressed no remorse, regret, sadness, nothing about any feelings he was having.

Minimized the catalyst violence.

A lot of image management.

And he asked them if I was cheating on him.

WTF.

My friend, who was closer to him than any of the rest, she has now determined him a non-violent psychopath. Said the way he is handling people is beyond creepy and 'off' considering a normal human response to the end of their marriage. They just felt he was baiting them the whole time.

Grossed out over here.

[Mozza]

I am struggling still to see H as an 'abuser'.

That's the crux of the problem, innit?

You've invited me to give you advice and I'm flattered. In fact, I've been following your thread intermittently and found it to be, yet again, a sitch that is beyond the realm of my experience. I've never faced abuse, especially not physical abuse. I've ne expertise or training either, so it's hard for me to measure the gravity of a situation or how to react to it.

What your H did sometimes scared me. I'm afraid it's an escalation and that he's trying to see how far he can go, like all abusers. If you stick around, if you give the impression that you're forgiving him, that he can get away with it, who knows how far he would go? It seems to me that he should be the one crawling back and promising heaven and heart, not you going back to him asking if all is good now.

Your constant love for him is also a tad puzzling for me. On one level, I understand and in fact, I'm in the same boat loving a woman who cheated twice on me and left me six months ago for an OM. Not exactly healthy. At the same time, he went so far and for so long, one had to wonder why is it that we can't see the reality that's in front of our eyes. You'd never date someone who treats you like this. And there are plenty more men out there who would make you happy and tap into the same feelings you have for this man.

In my case, my IC suggested that my strong attachment and sadness are linked to things that I don't want to confront. I'm not comfortable flirting and dating, so I consider M to a woman I love and desire as a "solved problem". What is it that makes you afraid of being without your H? What does it force you to confront?

I probably flattered myself when I compared myself to Simon Cowell on my thread because he, at least, has good judgement. I also find that you've got a fantastic set of followers, some with very relevant experience like Vanilla. You sound like a very strong woman. Perhaps that's part of the problem: you think you're so strong you can solve anything and you can't walk away from a broken H? I'm just musing. Hope this is useful.

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Edit: Just saw your post about his apology to your friends. That is weird. He doesn't sound balanced. He sounds manipulative and narcissistic (though I'm no shrink). Wow. Maybe you friends would also benefit from setting boundaries and tell him "You don't need to apologize to us for your D and we'd really rather you discuss it between the two of you. You have our support." Again, this is a man who seems to be testing boundaries, like the velociraptor in Jurassic Park (watch it).

[Zelda09]

Mozza,

Your insight is appreciated. Yes, I am a very strong person addicted to fixing (teaching, coaching, management). I guess I couldn't let it go when I needed to. Especially bc he was so unlike my abusive father, why would I need to be concerned?

My love for my H puzzles me too, at this moment.

He's a predator disguised as Nermil. Or if I'm generous...unbalanced. His mother was institutionalized early bc of poor mental heatlh. I guess it should have been more of a concern.

[Zelda09]

Yay, one full cycle of acceptance today, one more closer to detached and walking my own path. Had a good cry in the work restroom. A good cry is important bc it opens the gateway for anger, which is purifying. And then there was a lot of wonderment and now having out-loud processed a bunch of that, swimming in acceptance. Enjoying my moments before sleep and feeling whole.

I prodded H on the matter of the need and got back very neutral confirmation he'd do it this week. I was unmoved by his text. Progress.

Got some interesting insight into what he is telling ppl. I'll write about it later, but the emotion is not, oh I see, I could have done better...it is a cringe and a wish him well sort of feeling.

H is either in denial, and writing a script he can live with. Or fell out of romantic love with me. Or certainly has all signs of BPD and is equally let down by everyone else in his life. Or some combo. Not my problems to fix! I hope he will someday look at himself before he wastes more of his own time and breaks another heart. Kindest wish I could possibly have for him.

But I am free, and getting close to being done with grieving, I feel that. I'm sure I have more days snd cycles in me, but I'm the one in charge of my mental hygiene and will not create any more useless ruts to roll around in than I can help.

Was relieved to hear my IC say she thought codependency wasn't my thing - fixing old patterns yes, but she never saw me have trouble standing on my own or embracing his nonsense. She said the opposite. I was addicted trying to get him to fight his own defeating thoughts, behaviors and I was overly hopeful of change.
If anything, she said, she saw a man with those codependent behaviors that focused on me and came to resent me for it and blame me for everything.

Guilty for the false hopes and dragging him down the path all those years, but I won't make that mistake again.

[Vanilla]

Z

Sending you strength today

V

[Zelda09]

I had breakfast with a friend who offered interesting insight. Yes, I drug my H into M when he had his doubts, blaming the accident. He would scream this at me in fights, but apparently could say it calmly to others, his hesitation. All the while, calmly telling me how happy he was. I wanted the dog. I wanted the house. H hesitated on all. Friend asked me on each point how H felt on these issues. And on each point I had to say, he was reluctant. And friend said, so yes, Z, you were not real responsive to him.

(The thing he told another friend - my un-emotional side and his overly emotional side - it might have worked in another time and place before the accident, but could never have worked afterward. What a load of bs. He became increasingly dependent and miserable, willfully, with outbursts of disappointment and anger to not just me, but all of our friends. He is unbalanced, plain and simple. His friends from hometown once told me all of their relationships with him were fraught with conflict. Whatever you want to tell yourself, H - it's everybody else failing you, never you.)

Friend says that that sort of disregard for the moves forward he Didn't want to make in our M, our home, the family I was trying to build - might have bred a certain resentment. That my H, as dear and kind as he seemed also seemed broken, and he would have never told me unless I asked, but it looked like I was trying to fix a broken man (pre accident).

Friend told me that being a friend with me is like shucking oysters. It's damn difficult but worth it. That I am largely impassive and not entirely aware of how others are feeling, but the calm and cool and stay focused on the agenda thing has been a lead that he and the others at our club could follow. I started to protest, that I have always been fair and interested in someone's concerns or thoughts and that I have plenty of feelings...and friend agreed, but said that I was when I was approached and it took a lot to get me to open up and connect sometimes. It is a non issue for me otherwise. Since I am looking to grow, that is what he can see. I thought, well, isn't this the way it should work? I take care of me and expect others to be their own assertive selves? Friend says it is a fine theory. That it is not bad, or good, but it is me, and someone should appreciate me for it. But no. I have heard this from another close friend in my life, that I can be dismissive and very far away sometimes. My mother watched Legends of the Fall when I was a teenager and said that look Brad Pitt had in his eyes - it was me, all the time.

How can I be so distant? I can't deny the feedback I am getting (and asking for), it is consistent enough. How can I be so distant when I feel things so intensely? And care so much? If it is true, why do I have so many friends and laugh so hard at parties? How can I be this old and not understand anything about myself?

I still think my H was ridiculous and unfair and a loose canon. I do not want to blame myself for the way things went. I was glad to have my girlfriend's help and hugs last night packing his things. I could have otherwise cradled each tennis shoe in my own grief.

But it is very important to me right now that he will put the nail in the coffin and file our D papers. Fine, H, you let me drag you along this path and thank you for your sometimes faith and appreciation of our R...but you sabotaged this, you wanted out, you wanted to date others, so you finish it. And then he can never claim that I did, or go around asking mutual friends, "do you know why she ended it?" I don't care if I wait months after he files the quit claim. He must prepare our dissolution papers, arrange it all, pay for it, and I will for once follow his lead and show up and smile and act as though I am happy about what it is he wanted. That will be a perfect ending to all of this. He got behind all the dreams that were mine, that I believe were ours...so he wants out, it is only fair he leads this final turn in our path and I get behind him. I think once I have proof of the quit claim I will tell him this.

DR is about improving self. So yes, I can still take down some more walls, become more expressive and actively interested in the feelings around me. But I was a dam good partner, hard working, reasonable, fair, caring, and I bent over backwards trying to guess his needs and try to talk to him, plan fun things for us, be there sexually. I didn't deserve this, the way it went down.

I deserve to be with someone who will put equal energy and effort (over the long haul - there are days that are not always 50/50) into a partnership and who will treat me well and fairly. Not idealize me in the beginning only to end up tremendously disappointed. Someone who will take care of themselves so they can be there for me, too.

It is getting better, each day.

[Zelda09]

The same H who had no trouble taking Uber to 3 bars 2 days after D day - can't find his way to Kinkos.

He reports that the place he is staying has no internet (Rwanda?) or printer. So...not a friends...

But 'he is trying'

Whyyyyyy. Why is he dragging this out. Telling folks we are done, better off. Why stall? Why live with my family and pressure them to hear his side of the story before he left? What game is this?

I just responded I was sure he'd figure it out.

[Maybell]

How can I be so distant? I can't deny the feedback I am getting (and asking for), it is consistent enough. How can I be so distant when I feel things so intensely? And care so much? If it is true, why do I have so many friends and laugh so hard at parties? How can I be this old and not understand anything about myself?

Well, I know sometimes when I feel things strongly that I feel the need to protect myself by throwing up some walls. Could that be what you're doing? What might it take for you to start trusting others, a hair at a time?

To me, this is hand-in-glove with urging a reluctant partner into commitment. He felt safe to you for whatever reason, and you weren't willing to give that up. Does he remind you of your family of origin? Was his distance safe for you because it observed your fearful boundaries? Those are stabs in the dark but worth exploring.

You aren't very old at all at 34. what you are going through right now is the sort of experience that helps you understand and develop yourself better. Use it wisely. Don't say you were a great partner. Your friend pointed out to you a significant way you weren't. That is not to excuse. His behavior, but to remind you of your own responsibilities, whether in a marriage relationshio or some other kind of relationship (including very casual ones). Think about it.

[Vanilla]

Z

This may be where you need to be at this time. I believe this sense of 'out of body' is a way of distancing yourself to get distance from your sitch.

You can talk to your IC but this feels like trauma recovery to me. It may just be shock wearing thin and reality biting.

Extra special care Z. This was the book my IC recommended me to me when I was recovering from my first wave of abuse nearly 9 months ago. I went back for more! duh!



V

[Zelda09]

Thank you, Maybell and V.

Maybell, I am having a rough morning. Blaming myself for not being more understanding of chronic pain. Seeing intermittent explosive disorder as more in line with what I experienced, than abuse. Abuse is about control and I don't know that there was such a bone in his body. He seemed content and happy except for when I came at him with criticism.

I know it doesn't excuse what he did and the lack of remorse. Or that he needs to grow up.

But this morning my heart aches and I want him to become strong and independent and knock on my door and say how sorry he is and could we please try again now that he has gone out and found himself.

I am bawling my eyes out. Wtf is wrong with me.