Where to begin?

[Dawgs]

Thanks again for all of the continued solid advice. I just ordered DR which should be here by Friday. Should have gotten it a lot sooner.

So, I am going to continue working on me. I learned a lot in my own personal counseling session. I hate to admit this, but looks like my mom, who was an indirectly controlling woman (but, I love her to death), had much more of an influence on me as a child than I realized. Ugh. Apparantly that is where my same issues come from - which my wife brought up in our counseling session.

I have come to terms with the fact that this may not end the way I want it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I put on the good face for her and not let her see my pain. Although, I am human and soemtimes the cracks show through.

A little more on our situation. She still lives at home, but in another room. however, we continue to do a lot together - she says for the kids sake like walks, etc. She told our therapist that it was a "trial separation." Funny thing, when we get to talking about regular stuff - it seems as if it is as it has always been. And, thats wehn she sits by me and all. Its the other discussion about divorce that elicits the colder response - she tells me that she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea and that she is serious, although that hasn't been said in a while.

A couple of posts up, I discussed our sessoin so I won't go into that. But I will say that when our therapist "quietly" attacked me, she came to my defense. Said that what the therapist said that I thought was good doesn't sound right to her and vice versa - and that her struggle and what causes her panic is "desperately tyring to seek out that balance on the fence." (HER own words)

Also, she is active duty military. Her thinking is that she will have decided one way or another by the time she goes to her next duty station in December - the kids will live with me and she will return on the weekends. I asked her, realistically, what if she hasn't decided by then. Her reply is that she should by then. However, she retires from the military in 2 years - and if it goes down the divorce road, then she will file when she retires. Why that timeline, I dont' know - but I suspect that it may have something to do with custody - she has always stated that if it did come to that, the only option would be joint custody. She said she won't move out of the area, too.

So, I will just contintue to work on me and be the man that I can be. Hopefully she will recognize that.

You know, in our discussion last night she said she didn't really know, and what if two or so months down the road (after divorce) she may think "wtf did I just do?" Could be that she really is unsure - or just talk to placate me. That remains to be seen.

One day at a time, folks. One day at a time. Working on me.