Where to begin?

[Cadet]

"I did not say divorce to cause a change.
I said it cause I was done.
I cannot stand the thought of hurting you but I know this is an uphill battle.
I don't know that I want to fix this.
I have told you that I do not want you to be confused by my intentions.
My goal was to go to see if I can find that spark to help me. I hate that it came to this E and I do not want anyone hurt. I know that is not possible.
One of us will be either way. Please, lets talk through the week (*our next session is Monday*)and figure this out one way or another."

What on earth am I supposed to think about that? It almost seems as if she would be relieved if I just put up the white flag, but I am not sure...

Think that she is speaking the script (of a WAS)
and yes she would be happy if you put up the white flag because that would take her off the hook.

[Dawgs]

Thanks for the answer, Cadet. I want this to work. Does she sound done? In other words, is this a fight worth fighting for? I am so torn over this and am trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. Thank you for your help.

[Dawgs]

So, another day and another roller coaster. I really do not know how much of this I can take. Its tearing me apart. I feel like I am at a cliff and don't know the way how to stop the fall.

We had a long discussion about our session last night. I tried not to, but I broke some of the 37 rules last night.

Before I go on, let me get ya'lls opinion on our counselor. My wife noticed that he quietly "attacked" me (for lack of better words) and even said to her, "I don't know if this is saveable or not, that is up to you." If a counselor was pro-marriage, he wouldn't say that, would he? My wife seemed to think that he made sense... Is this normal? Or should we seek another?

I am faltering, ya'll. I just feel like I don't have the strength to keep up the fight even though I so desperately want to keep us together. I don't know how to keep going on and am hurting badly. I look in the mirror every day and the first thing I have to say is "I am working on me." Every day. Because that's all I can do.

In our conversation, we talked about both paths. She isn't ready to throw in the towel, but at the same time she said that she is jealous of her sister (the one I had issues with) becasue the sister and her husband are getting a divorce and yet they are good friends.

I just don't know what to do or how to fight for us. Which of the books can ya'll recommend?

[Fogg]

I'm not sure how all counselors approach this but during our 2 sessions he said it can always be saved no matter how bad it looks, but doesn't mean it will. He may be trying to get in her head or maybe he really does feel that way. Just be prepared at this point MC for many of us isn't going to do much. If she's said she's done but is going, like my W did, it's possible she is just looking to be able to say she tried later down the road. Doesn't mean that is the case, just don't have expectations for MC now.

Regardless, your still at the very early stages where things look so bad through your eyes and the pain is intolerable, I feel for you, I was there also not long ago. You have a lot of work ahead to do. Not for your M, but for yourself. Also, nothing is ever hopeless. Even if you divorce there's a chance you two will still be together, so try and not think in so many absolutes. Try and follow those rules the best you can and work on getting you to a better place. Keep reading those threads posted.

You fight for her by taking care of yourself and being the strong/rational person. Be the lighthouse.

[Cadet]

So, another day and another roller coaster. I really do not know how much of this I can take. Its tearing me apart. I feel like I am at a cliff and don't know the way how to stop the fall.

How about 180'ing this

We had a long discussion about our session last night. I tried not to, but I broke some of the 37 rules last night.

Before I go on, let me get ya'lls opinion on our counselor. My wife noticed that he quietly "attacked" me (for lack of better words) and even said to her, "I don't know if this is saveable or not, that is up to you." If a counselor was pro-marriage, he wouldn't say that, would he? My wife seemed to think that he made sense... Is this normal? Or should we seek another?

I am faltering, ya'll. I just feel like I don't have the strength to keep up the fight even though I so desperately want to keep us together. I don't know how to keep going on and am hurting badly. I look in the mirror every day and the first thing I have to say is "I am working on me." Every day. Because that's all I can do.

In our conversation, we talked about both paths. She isn't ready to throw in the towel, but at the same time she said that she is jealous of her sister (the one I had issues with) becasue the sister and her husband are getting a divorce and yet they are good friends.

I just don't know what to do or how to fight for us. Which of the books can ya'll recommend?

Have you read DR?

Counseling at the stage you are at is not going to be very productive.
If I were spending money on it - I might try a DB coach.

I think you wife is telling you something above with her sister.
She wants to get divorced and stay on as friends.

Right now the best advice I can give you is to re-read my first post, read DR, and stop trying to FIX your marriage.

DETACH is the single most important step in this process.

It will get better but it might not be the way you are EXPECTING it to happen.

[Wonka]

To add to Cadet's comments, I would urge you to call around MCs in your area and ask them questions. You would want to find a solutions-based MC therapist who is trained in Gottman principles.

Another thing is that you've got to stop looking for the magic bullet to "shake" W out of her fog. DBing is a hard, long slog for it takes a long time to right a battleship that has sustained some damage. The focus should be on YOU. As you said, you didn't like what you saw when you did some introspection.

What were some of the areas that you didn't like?
What do you plan to do to address them?
How do you plan to confront those problems?

[Miman2]

Wow Fogg! How'd you find such an awesome MC?

[Fogg]

Ironically W found him to setup first meeting after BD. She stopped after 2 meetings and I still go every week. He's even gone out of his way to talk me out of multiple of my panic attacks on the phone. He could have actually got in trouble with the company hes contracted with for counseling over the phone but still does it for me if I need it. For no charge also. And he's extended our 50 mins sessions ( always go for an hour anyway) to 90 mins for no extra charge a few times since we get caught up in the talking. I really like the guy.

[Dawgs]

Thanks again for all of the continued solid advice. I just ordered DR which should be here by Friday. Should have gotten it a lot sooner.

So, I am going to continue working on me. I learned a lot in my own personal counseling session. I hate to admit this, but looks like my mom, who was an indirectly controlling woman (but, I love her to death), had much more of an influence on me as a child than I realized. Ugh. Apparantly that is where my same issues come from - which my wife brought up in our counseling session.

I have come to terms with the fact that this may not end the way I want it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I put on the good face for her and not let her see my pain. Although, I am human and soemtimes the cracks show through.

A little more on our situation. She still lives at home, but in another room. however, we continue to do a lot together - she says for the kids sake like walks, etc. She told our therapist that it was a "trial separation." Funny thing, when we get to talking about regular stuff - it seems as if it is as it has always been. And, thats wehn she sits by me and all. Its the other discussion about divorce that elicits the colder response - she tells me that she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea and that she is serious, although that hasn't been said in a while.

A couple of posts up, I discussed our sessoin so I won't go into that. But I will say that when our therapist "quietly" attacked me, she came to my defense. Said that what the therapist said that I thought was good doesn't sound right to her and vice versa - and that her struggle and what causes her panic is "desperately tyring to seek out that balance on the fence." (HER own words)

Also, she is active duty military. Her thinking is that she will have decided one way or another by the time she goes to her next duty station in December - the kids will live with me and she will return on the weekends. I asked her, realistically, what if she hasn't decided by then. Her reply is that she should by then. However, she retires from the military in 2 years - and if it goes down the divorce road, then she will file when she retires. Why that timeline, I dont' know - but I suspect that it may have something to do with custody - she has always stated that if it did come to that, the only option would be joint custody. She said she won't move out of the area, too.

So, I will just contintue to work on me and be the man that I can be. Hopefully she will recognize that.

You know, in our discussion last night she said she didn't really know, and what if two or so months down the road (after divorce) she may think "wtf did I just do?" Could be that she really is unsure - or just talk to placate me. That remains to be seen.

One day at a time, folks. One day at a time. Working on me.

[Cadet]

Part of the script is that the most confusion happens at the beginning and at the end.

So she is confused and that fits in perfectly with the way it works.