Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

I had breakfast with a friend who offered interesting insight. Yes, I drug my H into M when he had his doubts, blaming the accident. He would scream this at me in fights, but apparently could say it calmly to others, his hesitation. All the while, calmly telling me how happy he was. I wanted the dog. I wanted the house. H hesitated on all. Friend asked me on each point how H felt on these issues. And on each point I had to say, he was reluctant. And friend said, so yes, Z, you were not real responsive to him.

(The thing he told another friend - my un-emotional side and his overly emotional side - it might have worked in another time and place before the accident, but could never have worked afterward. What a load of bs. He became increasingly dependent and miserable, willfully, with outbursts of disappointment and anger to not just me, but all of our friends. He is unbalanced, plain and simple. His friends from hometown once told me all of their relationships with him were fraught with conflict. Whatever you want to tell yourself, H - it's everybody else failing you, never you.)

Friend says that that sort of disregard for the moves forward he Didn't want to make in our M, our home, the family I was trying to build - might have bred a certain resentment. That my H, as dear and kind as he seemed also seemed broken, and he would have never told me unless I asked, but it looked like I was trying to fix a broken man (pre accident).

Friend told me that being a friend with me is like shucking oysters. It's damn difficult but worth it. That I am largely impassive and not entirely aware of how others are feeling, but the calm and cool and stay focused on the agenda thing has been a lead that he and the others at our club could follow. I started to protest, that I have always been fair and interested in someone's concerns or thoughts and that I have plenty of feelings...and friend agreed, but said that I was when I was approached and it took a lot to get me to open up and connect sometimes. It is a non issue for me otherwise. Since I am looking to grow, that is what he can see. I thought, well, isn't this the way it should work? I take care of me and expect others to be their own assertive selves? Friend says it is a fine theory. That it is not bad, or good, but it is me, and someone should appreciate me for it. But no. I have heard this from another close friend in my life, that I can be dismissive and very far away sometimes. My mother watched Legends of the Fall when I was a teenager and said that look Brad Pitt had in his eyes - it was me, all the time.

How can I be so distant? I can't deny the feedback I am getting (and asking for), it is consistent enough. How can I be so distant when I feel things so intensely? And care so much? If it is true, why do I have so many friends and laugh so hard at parties? How can I be this old and not understand anything about myself?

I still think my H was ridiculous and unfair and a loose canon. I do not want to blame myself for the way things went. I was glad to have my girlfriend's help and hugs last night packing his things. I could have otherwise cradled each tennis shoe in my own grief.

But it is very important to me right now that he will put the nail in the coffin and file our D papers. Fine, H, you let me drag you along this path and thank you for your sometimes faith and appreciation of our R...but you sabotaged this, you wanted out, you wanted to date others, so you finish it. And then he can never claim that I did, or go around asking mutual friends, "do you know why she ended it?" I don't care if I wait months after he files the quit claim. He must prepare our dissolution papers, arrange it all, pay for it, and I will for once follow his lead and show up and smile and act as though I am happy about what it is he wanted. That will be a perfect ending to all of this. He got behind all the dreams that were mine, that I believe were ours...so he wants out, it is only fair he leads this final turn in our path and I get behind him. I think once I have proof of the quit claim I will tell him this.

DR is about improving self. So yes, I can still take down some more walls, become more expressive and actively interested in the feelings around me. But I was a dam good partner, hard working, reasonable, fair, caring, and I bent over backwards trying to guess his needs and try to talk to him, plan fun things for us, be there sexually. I didn't deserve this, the way it went down.

I deserve to be with someone who will put equal energy and effort (over the long haul - there are days that are not always 50/50) into a partnership and who will treat me well and fairly. Not idealize me in the beginning only to end up tremendously disappointed. Someone who will take care of themselves so they can be there for me, too.

It is getting better, each day.