Not dumb anymore (3)

[Burger]

I've changed my name from ImDumb to Burger.

Previous:
Part 1
Part 2

Quick summary:
I have a WW.
She is also addicted to an internet video game, where she met her AP’s. Yes plural.
EA’s confirmed, do not believe any became PA yet, but unsure.
She moved into her own place in March.
She admitted she has many problems, and is starting with a therapist this week.
I am currently leaving her alone, no contact unless she initiates it.
Got tricked into a temperature check in a moment of weakness. I will not let it happen again.

My GAL activities are going better than I thought.
My therapy is going great, I’m making good progress.

Current struggles:
Getting used to doing things by myself that we used to enjoy together.
A lot of thoughts about why would I want to be with someone who treats me like this.

[Burger]

I should have skipped the special event last night. While it was funny, and great to see D21, I got quite depressed driving home. That was an event WW would have loved. Driving home I was thinking about how I was alone at the event, how the games aren't the same anymore, we had such a good time during the playoff push last year, now this year it's just depressing. No more season tickets, no more fun time. Fun time is over.

I think I cried most of the drive home by myself. I was quite sad, haven't been like that in a while.

Then I start thinking about how she would rather play a video game than spend time with her family. How she has a new boyfriend(s), but she still can still send me an email saying she looks forward to seeing me on the weekends. I'm really beginning to wonder why I would want her back. It's easy to see where I hurt her during the marriage, but there was also a lot of hurt done to me from her behavior during the marriage. It may appear like it was all me and she was perfect, but that's not the case. She just doesn't seem to want to admit that part. What's wrong with me that I want to be with someone who treats me like this?

It will be so much work trying to fix everything that is broken, maybe it would be easier to just give up, fix me, get over her, and move on. I already have a three month head start on getting me better. She hasn't started yet.

[Dawn70]

(((Burger))) hang in there. I know how that feels to feel alone and depressed. Knowing the WAS has a new person already and you feel sad. I am right there with you, buddy. Just work on those GALs and focus on things YOU like to do. It will get better. I am roller coaster riding with the best of them, so hop on board with me.

[Burger]

Thank-you for the encouragement Dawn. I really appreciate it.

I've been doing a lot of flip flopping around these days. Do I want to try and reconcile, assuming she comes back at some point. Or should I just keep working on myself and prepare to move on. While reading another site I found an article that had these quotes:

Ask yourself if you are prepared to enter a new relationship with someone who you absolutely know is willing to cheat on you.

The truth is that the cheater is willing to be unfaithful in the right circumstances and that, to them, any pain this causes you is acceptable collateral damage.

There would need to be a significant change in her thinking to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

[Sotto]

Hi Burger

I think many people will cheat, given a particular set of circumstances. It doesn't make them bad people as such. Although I think I would struggle to get together with someone who I knew had cheated. And of course my H has become that person.

I think this is why the 110% commitment and the heavy lifting are so important. If someone comes back in 'too easy' there is a greater risk of lessons not being truly learned and cheating may happen again.

[Pyrite]

Ask yourself if you are prepared to enter a new relationship with someone who you absolutely know is willing to cheat on you.

well said. poignant indeed to where I am right now.

There would need to be a significant change in her thinking to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

Indeed. And mine is already in negative territory here, big time. Refusing she has done anything wrong, ever, let alone change her mind about considering a future between us.

Similarly to Burger - there was a lot in the M that I tolerated, because I loved her. But why would/should I push so hard to recapture those "pressures". Especially considering

you absolutely know SHE is willing to cheat on you.

But then.... the roller-coaster......

[Pyrite]

possibly - but I never did (cheat). I had the "motivation" to much earlier than her. possibly not the same opportunity. would i have though? we'll never know. very very much doubt it though. I have been here before (earlier Rs), and it just ain't me to cheat.

[u-turn]

Ask yourself if you are prepared to enter a new relationship with someone who you absolutely know is willing to cheat on you.

The truth is that the cheater is willing to be unfaithful in the right circumstances and that, to them, any pain this causes you is acceptable collateral damage.

Burger - I think this is a great point and probably the core of the issues that I am having.

We were CERTAIN that the person we married did not have the capability of doing this - turning to another person when the opportunity was there. It was impossible and not even worthy of thinking about.

Then it happened. Was it always in her? Is it always going to be in her? Did I just not know her or did she change into this person? Is it only temporary? Do I want to find out?

There is forgiveness, but that does not change the fact that it could happen again and is that something that we want to see/experience?

I am asking myself all of this right now. Is she a cheater or has she just cheated? Is there a difference?

[Burger]

If someone comes back in 'too easy' there is a greater risk of lessons not being truly learned and cheating may happen again.

Well put. I've been practicing some of the phrases that Sandi put in her thread in the mirror to be ready, just in case:

"I would like to believe you, however, things aren't that simple now". Then if she asks what you mean, you say, "I would have to feel I would not be hurt again, and considering everything, I don't know that I can take that risk yet"

Refusing she has done anything wrong, ever, let alone change her mind about considering a future between us.

My WW has admitted that what she did is inexcusable, and she has expressed a lot of remorse. But they are just words, not actions. It did feel genuine, but it was probably a temperature check to make sure I'm still available as a Plan B.

I am asking myself all of this right now. Is she a cheater or has she just cheated? Is there a difference?

I believe there is a difference. I like to believe that she just made a terrible decision.

[Burger]

Not much to report today.

Last night I removed all photos of the WW from my phone. I saved them first, but every time I opened my photo album, there she was.

GAL plans:
Sporting event tonight.
Easter dinner with friends on Saturday.
Another Easter dinner with friends on Sunday.

I've been reading a lot in the Sandi threads about people putting their wife on a pedestal. I’m going to look into that and see if that is something I did. It seems like it when I think about it, but want to learn a little more about it.